the minor fall, and the major lift.

&so here I find myself disoriented and confused - again. I said I wouldn't write about it, but then again I said I wouldn't do a lot of things. Maybe I won't. But I will write all the ways I am not, and how she is who I strive to be. And so if you would not mind reading, me writing every negative thing about me that I need to see and fix.. stop here.. if not grab pop corn and make a tally of how you agree.

Disclaimer this is not for sympathy, if you are reading. It is an evaluation of how, although I've come far, I have so much left to do. &most of these are what she has, that I want...

1. Confidence. I cannot pinpoint what I do well, what I have done well. I am scared, and weak. Despite what is seen.
2. Being a heinous Bitch is a defense mechanism of mine. It has served me well when I needed/need protection, but now it's the cancer eating me alive. With every heartbeat, I realize where it's taken me, and how I've destroyed a massive portion of who/what I love. To say it hurts barely scratches the skin.
3. Low self-esteem/self-image/self-worth. Duh. Pretty much everyone has an amount of low selfesteem.. but I constantly remind myself I'm not good, I could be better.
4. No job. No car. No apartment of my own. I struggle and work hard.
5. Trust issues. I let no one in, and when I do.. I push them away.

I cannot apologize for my dreams, or aspirations or where I want to go. Does it scare the fucking daylight/shit/oxygen out of me that there is someone who wants to settle down, who appears nice [too nice..maybe fake but whatever], and is confident, looks amazing, everyone loves, is smarter than me, and a person I drove to make him happy even for a while... yes. It scares me with every fiber of my being. It hurts.

BUT

we are doing what we want
how we want, for ourselves
and not another soul.

I need to fix me.
I love him.
We're not married.
It will be ohkay.






One
Day
At
A
Time.

and the tunder rolls on, crashing like waves, sweeping the mess out to sea.

June ferst. Holy Cow. It was just May first. It was just January first. Where is this time going!? This four day weekend felt like a friday night, but boy was it awesome. The weather was perfect, the beer was cold, food was endless, the ocean fresh, and friends laughing into all hours of the morning was THEE way to really start the summer.

It's refreshing to take time and do nothing and everything with the people who matter. You can't change the way the wind blows, and you can't change the way people feel; including your self. The best you can do, is just that- the best full front effort. Grip the sail and carry on.

Honesty is a pretty good policy, even though is stings.

Now that the fun and games are over, I need to sit down, and develop my study plan, my workout plan, and my stay-sane plan. It will work. Woo SAh.

This crazy weather. It's pouring. I'd rather be down the shore...soon. I'll get there soon.


Alright, enough. I need to make a plan.