survive - or.

be brave and youre going to be fine.





Day 1: Complete. Despite all the little things falling apart around me, I continue to push forward. Today I have class until 7 then work 11-7. Rispera. Rispera. I can't tell you how many time I caught myself verbally reassuring myself-breathe, keep going. I can only assume my stress levels are high- really really high. The syncope is unreal. The world will start to spin once in while and my arms continue to go numb. Breathe.



Despite my exhaustion and sleepless days- I had a dream last night. Currently tryin not to let a tear slip. My closure for things happen in my dreams. It's my body's way of telling me, it's ok. Any desperate situation or life altering events, have been resolved inmy dreams. If they havent, then my time with the situation or person is not complete. Tim was one. In the dream; the room was dark and full of tension. just a room nothing special. it was a wide wood paneled room with a door seperating another annex like room. a single light, of the interrogation style hung inthe middle. In the wood paneled room, I was sitting on a sheetless mattress with Tim and I was trying not to cry. He was holding me. In the doorway were my family and friends of the time, even the ones who were angry with me. They were saying come on, come with us. I looked at Tim and he says you ahve to choose, it's either me or them. With some unparralled strength i stood up walked across the room and into and instant light leaving him in the dark room. This was kind of like what I went through in reality with choosing. The toxicity of the relationship was driving me away from those I loved and I for the longest time, he was worth it.


The dream may not seem that significant but it felt real. I wokeup wet with tears - obviously crying in my sleep, and sweaty. That story was a long drawn out toxic event. But after that dream, I felt a little better realizing to trust myself and continue forward.



This morning I woke up with a tear wet face, and covered in sweat. I'm still a little shaky, but everything is ok.


I finally have been using words like yes. no. very permanent decisions and answers. Solid. Real. Unchanging. After a tearful release, we can move on.



I'm taking steps for me. Yes it will take a very long time. I am scared. I wanna rubberband back to the easy..but it wouldn't be easy. Nothing is as easy as you perceive. Things do happen for a reason. What ifs have no place in the past, and only tickle the future.



Sometimes you have to realize, what you want changes. You love, and you lose. You hurt, my god do you hurt. As the days move along, the pain starts to disappear. Then, one day you look around and see..