"i miss screamin and fightin and kissin in the rain; it's two am and I'm cursin your name "

EWWWW TAYLOR SWIFFTTT.

It's Monday, the beginning of the week, but also the end of this month. I can say I am really glad for this month to be over with. January you sly dog- everything has changed. (But has it?! After recent thinking and discussion with some favorites, have things really changed or do we just see people for who they are and how their nonsense cannot be covered up; even by snow)

After a long day of clinical and finding out things about restaurants I never wanted to, and recently spilling my ENTIRE cup of ginger ale in Advanced Phys I'm ready for the day to be done.

Only thing im miffed about is the fact tomorrow is Feb and my car still isnt on campus. Maybe someone is looking out for me because campus is a mess and this weather- disgusting. Still waiting for my uncle, because there are issues at the dealership. I can't wait for my baby. It's mine. I worked hard for it [not sure of the sex] and it will take me far..and far away.

Tonight will consist of homework and trying to finish learning Konstantine...it's about time I finish that song.

It's about time..isn't it?

reality.

Hoy. Oh boy. I wanna vomit, but it's ok. I left it all on paper. That's it. What the FUCK was I thinking?! Oh well. Nothing can change or get worse from it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS IN THE ENTIRE LIVING WORLD AND BEYOND <3 JAMIE LEE 'CAPTAIN CLICHE' MEYERS.


Tunes currently playing:
Blue October - In to the Ocean
Script- Breakeven.

You see me shaking; but i stand with my head held high.

"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18.

It's surprising the things I've turned to, and the people who have risen from the shadows these past few days. (Were they always there and I was just blind? ). In all seriousness, in talking to certain people, including madre, and the question of what I believe in came up. I believe in happiness and working hard, and that people really are good somehow but spiritually/religiously Ive avoided it. That's my new journey. Find something to believe in. Could take DECADES but  at least I'm curious. I love proverbs, and lines from the Bible [yes biddy read the bible and the world did not implode]; why did it help? Why when I opened it the opening quote was there. Now I will nevvverr be a bible beater, maybe not even Christian.. but I believe in words. 

I believe words hurt, and soothe. They comfort and reassure. They have the ability show bravery and character.

Marianne is dying; actually she's been dying and I've mentioned it briefly..but..she made it to Nicole's wedding, and now her bones are brittle. She cannot stand because her legs are shattering. The cancer is killing her. She layed out the law of what she wants at her funeral. She is ready. Although we have all been preparing; you never can prepare enough for life shattering events. Especially when you grew up with her. God DAMNIT, it drives me crazy how people can do and act certain ways for no reason. No legit reason, and when you step back and look it doesn't even matter.

Take your best friend you met at college. Picture yourselves and your friends going on trips, drinking til you cant stand without eachother, the laughs , fights, tears, family dinners, weddings.. then for 3 years watch them deteriorate and you cant do anything but be there. Watch them be taken halfway down the church aisle at your wedding in a wheelchair and walk the rest because that's how good of friends you are. Then, when they cant even go to the bathroom themself, you and your friends lift them so they dont have to wear diapers.

Cherish the ones you have. Forgive. Move on. Smile. Love your family and friends...because God...who knows what will happen...

Hi does not kill and hugs make things better.

I'm starting to love myself again...whoever that is...and I love you, and you, and you.
You too.

it's just that life gets in the way of living sometimes.

Doritos and chocolate chips. Tears and belly laughter. Trust. I repeat- trust. The surface can't tell you shit, and some masks arent only worn once a year. Last night, the masks were layed. It wasn't a night we expected, but it was what we needed. "that kinda girl night." The fact I slept straight through the night [after occupying Jamies bed for a ew hours] is good. My brain is finalllyyy exhausted.


Today is a good day already. I have a shit ton to do and get ready for this week. While I'm making giant strides towards my goals , I'm simulataneously taking baby steps. Today is a new day. I will not be as low as yesterday. Nerves? Shaking? Stuttering? Embarrassing. But, you can only wear a mask for so long before you can't pretend. At least I have amazing people to punch me in the face, listen, laugh, offer advice [even if i don't like it right now] and hug. My GOD hugs are amazing.


Jamie asked me last night "So what's the game plan" .. because I always have a plan or a way to make it work or to just work on making it work etc...for once I didn't have one. But right now, one is in the works. When the wounds heal, and only the scars remain I will be able to say hello. Those scars will be muscle, and I will be stronger from this.

Let's give it up for T-I-M .. e.

Time. It's all we have right now. On to making the most of it.

nothing is easy.

The truth is

I miss, lying in those arms of his

But I don't ever let it show

I laugh and I act like I'm having the time of my life

As far as he knows

(Chorus)

It's easy

Going out on Friday nights

It's easy every time I see him out

I can smile live it up the way a single girl does

What he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so easy

-Easy-Rascal Flatts&natasha b

I haven't had a song on repeat in LONG long time. Maybe it's not the best to have on but , who is to say. I've been told it gets easier with time. Does it? or do you just become numb, because for some reason right now the bandaid feels like it's being ripped off over and over again; when does the numb settle in? Jen told me that I need to feel. *snooki WAHHHH* I don't wanna.  *pouts*   I mean unless you are a masochist, who would want to feel like this. No regrets just lessons learned and all apart of the process. Woo.Saa.

things i love. things i know.

Once again, I'm sitting on my floor, in Alex 102; desk piled high and bed just as tossed about. I keep writing blog entries, then deleting them. It's not that I care it's just..what am I trying to prove and to who..when it doesn't matter, and I don't want to relive it.

I cannot believe it's only been about a week back at school. So much in such a short amount of time! The crucial elements of change are worth more than I can say. The truth is a beautiful thing. The internal colors of people have been spilt. You can constantly be surprised by people; not only in a negative light. It's been said that in the darkest of times you will be shown the light. My light resides in my friends; my real true friends, and ones I didn't know I had. I am so grateful for them; they know who they are and I love you.(&If you don't know if it's you.. it probably is <3 )  Even though the wounds are a nice way away from healing, I would not have been able to make it even this far without you. Thank you is never, and will never be, enough.

So despite the nonsense .. which really after the dust settles and you really look at it, is what it's turning into..a buncha nonsense...life has been goddamn awesome.

I got my driver's license.
I have a nursing job.
I got a call to apply for another nursing job.
My insurance came in for nursing.
I will be getting a car in the next few weeks [pending on numbers..HATE math].
I am taking massive strides forward. As much as I want to look back, I shouldn't.

I know he doesn't read this, but Thank you John. You saved me 3years ago, and you did it again. This all was the push I needed to realize that I am as strong willed as I thought, never to doubt my intuition, keep busting my ass, and it's ok to change. I will not stay stagnant. Maybe one day I'll be able to thank him myself.


Until then I have me, my friends, my family, some good wine and books, tea, coffee and music; and that's all I'll ever need.

i'm sitting here, with a tissue in my nose praying for a two hour delay.

No joke. Nose started to bleed a little, AGAIN and this wintry mix has left the ground outside itching for some traction. Despite sharing a campus with Gwynedd Mercy Academy we STILL do not even have a breath of delay. (Barnacles.) I get to start part two of the first day of classes. Jenny and I are going to be the only Juniors[yet Seniors], in the Nursing elective this morning. Joy. Maybe my bright ass yellow boots with give me a little confidence.

I'm already procrastinating my Lit homework. I'll do it between Nursing and the actual class starting. Heh..right. Yesterday I found out that Kurt and Christina (!) are doing the Broad Street Run. SO HAPPY I have someone to do it with/kinda/have support among the 30000 other runners. I'm going to force her to stay with me.. People cheering are awesome and having cheers at the beginning and end are highly needed and I'm excited but ..there needs to be someone on the inside dragging my half dead soul throughout.  I really need to stop this..weird working out thing. I start, sweating up a nice storm, doing abs then... I eat..but not just eating... binge eating. Nothing is pardoned or discriminated against.That's not gonna help. I need to form a plan. Also need to clean my room. It's as dishevled as my brain is these days. (Sigh)

Ok so BIG week still ahead. I'm still feeling unnerved about somethings..and how people need to keep comments and things to themselves; especially when they don't take the time to LISTEN or get to know people or what is going on. Maybe I can be to blame for not proclaiming my sob story or laying my heart and life out for scrutiny...and ultimately, I know it all depends on how you react, (which in this nonsensical case I refuse to do- other than shaking my head and hoping that one day decency will find the pathetic carcasses and enlighten. Just enlighten. ) but I will keep moving. Even on the days where the earth is fighting to stand still, I will power on and on. My thoughts will catch up, the demons and bullshit will trail, but they will NOT control my life.

Now it's time to start the day.

oh and here's a doodle I doodled :)

[currently it's darker and will soon be in a larger art form] I love it.



[Edit TWO HOUR DELAY! FUCK YES! .. now what does that mean? /Edit]

pretenders never sleep with a smile.

I have about 6 or 7 drafts on this thing, maybe I'll actually sit down to finish one. Once again, I'm home. Mom's birthday is tomorrow and she went to AC. I pretty much got guilted into staying home to watch the dog/house&sister. January thus far has not disappointed in the change department :)

Moved back into 102 on Wednesday, to have first day of classes Thursday. It should be ok. Intro to Lit is going to get annoyin after  a while. I can feel it. The good news is I have massive amounts of time which will allow a nice workout routine. Tues/Thurs will probably be biddy and Jamie sessions . Woot.I am dropping a class and picking up another, so that in the summer I will only have 3 classes instead of 4. Friday, I passed my driving test ( AHHHH ) . FINALLY! Now I have to keep moving and get the car process rolling.

Today I did something incredibly stupid (already). I registered for the Broad Street Run. Yeah. SO! My workout regime will definatly need to be solidified.

So many fun things on the horizon..

"why don't you go backpacking in Europe?"

Last night was the annual McMenamin holiday party; all of the cousins and uncle aunts friends getting together in a Jersey home..the kids drawing on the garage wall, little ones running around, and snowball fights...It was amazing to the see how the tables have turned and the ones I was carrying around in my arms on vacation, now are holding Noella and talking about college.

Now I'm watching Say Yes to the Dress. So excited. Have some coffee, the house to myself. Sigh. I really need to start packing..ugh. I'm really enthusiastic to go back, redo my room a bit, re work the room to help with my new attitude. Not too much can be done, but tweaks here and there are neccesary. Tonight I have work at Starbucks until close. Hopefully with the Eagles game it won't be too too crowded. Break has been..rejuvenating. My last undergrad winter break. Weird.

What do I want...where do I want to go? Grad school research, job research, potential backpacking trip to research. So.Many.Opportunities.

On my horizon now : packing, WWBM date with Jenny on Tuesday, and depending on snow move back Wednesday, Class Thursday & Friday.

I wanna hold your hand...I simple lyrical phrase...and simple jesture.. I just want someone to hold my hand. It's like a comfort measure. That, and dancing.

Current Music: Katy Perry.
Current Mood: Torn.

lay down; come rest here in my arms.

Snow; that which blankets the cracks and misfortunes of the earth. Yesterday I went on a date with Julie to Jules pizza in Doylestown -SOOGOOODDD and we spent a good hour at least, meandering around a used book store. Definatly a relief and well neeeded. Last night I hung out with Pepe and Bri and watched Jersey Shore with them. Oh my gosh I am actually excited for this season (?!) How strange right?  Still no word on any jobs. Grandmom is scheduled for an MRI today. My mom is nervous. My family is very matriarchal; but what happens when my mom is worried, I am next in line. I'm not complaining. I have my tough suit on anyway :) Just another game of wait and see.

I have been experimenting with foods though-cooking wise. I really enjoy it too! My fav right now fried rice. Cannoooottt get enough of it! I have to decide what is on the menu for lunch today hmm. I'm waiting for my driving instructor guy to get here.. I was scheduled at like 9, 915ish buuutt due to the snow he wanted to postpone a few hours. Awesome.

Just finished watching Moulin Rouge && now onto Beauty and the Beast.

May I say that the Dyson vacuum is the shit. I'm cleaning the house in preparation for little miss Noella tomorrow. Finishing the de-decorating and eventually find my room. Ooopsy.

I wish this guy would frickin call me...I wanna go see my Grandmom.

shelter me oh genius one.

I've missed smelling like chlorine. I've been working on my building up my arms. My physical appearance will soon be to my liking. I think I'm going to dye my hair once I get backto school too.. Not sure yet because my hair is blonde again because of this restore shampoo im using, and of course because of the chlorine. In 72 hours, many things have changed; for the better...and it doesnt stop here. Now that I can catch my breath, I have to refrain from getting lost in it all. I am confident I am making the right decisions. I have to refrain from staying stagnant because thinking about things said, and feelings lost, and hope- BLEEEPPPPP stopping. Because that's what I need to avoid.

I am optimistic for this semester, in all aspects. I am not going to worry about getting into a relationship, im not even concerned with hooking up with anyone. Who knows when I'll be ready, but I know I don't care and that's not a priority.

My current favorite playlist right now is:

Ridin Solo-Jason DeRulo
Firework-Katy Perry
Grenade-Bruno Mars
Fuckin Perfet-Pink
Minstrel's Prayer -Cartel
Lose Yourself-Eminem
We R Who We R-Ke$ha
Glitter In the Air-Pink

yup, small, but I'm building on it. Gaga will be on there soon =]

Time for breakfast and help madre de christmas the house. And do some wash. Actually..alotta wash.

you make plans, and they will change.

Happy New Year. Well the year is off to new changes right away. Time doesn't wait, and even when you have this plan of how things will go...well... they just change. New Years EveI went to my friend Steph's apt in Bethlehem with John.. something happened with my friend Vince [he was rude and vile] and John got really angry and wanted to leave. He did AT 1205. I should have gone with him, as his girlfriend, but I didn't.

Yesterday it was solidified, and agreed upon that we just don't belong together. We aren't 18&19 anymore and have grown significantly and evidently grew apart. We want different things and we couldn't change each other like we thought. As a result of frustration we couldnt talk to one another and brought out the worst in each other..I've known this for a while, but didn't wanna make a change. I know he has been thinking about it too...just never brought it up again. Well, we are done. And no matter HOW much it WILL be ok and better for us in the long run....it hurts so bad right now. All the amazing things we did and how he made me feel are surfacing..but I need to stop chasing the ghost of what we were...I will..I will be ok with time. No matter how much mental preparation you think you have, it doesnt prepare you for the reality. I love him. He is my first for a lot. He was my best friend for 3years. He saved my life Freshman year. I will never forget him for that and a part of me will always love him.

I also started driving. My mom said she was impressed and was convinced I drove before..I haven't ..who would let me hahaha. Kevin went back to CO. If he doesn't get a pass in May, he won't be home til Thanksgiving. Meh.

For now I just need to surround myself with positivity. I need to restablish my actual friendships..every relationship has suffered.  I need to focus on the future and get myself together. Everything will be ok. &I hope John and I can be friends. Not yet obviously, but someday I hope so.