Gulp.

All I can do, is the best I can.

but you're not into making choices, wicked witches, poppy fields, or men behind the curtains, tiger lilies, ruby slippers

"Stop the clock

Take time out
Time to regroup
 Before you loose the bout
Face the thrill
Back it up
Time to refocus
Before they lap it up"

                     -30/90 TickTickBOOM.

Five o'clock; taking a break. Heart is pounding. Head is spinning. Contacts are drying. Blood is caffinated. 146 questions done. 354 to go for today's goal. Phone is on silent. Facebook is blocked. So frustrating to keep getting question after question wrong. GAH. Gonna make another pot. Re-fill with water.

I'm glad that Glee brings me back. Something about the music just calms me. That's what I'm doing. A certain amount until I want to EXPLODE.. then relax.. youtube a Glee video and wooooo saaahhhh.

Got a late start today, because I decided last minute to watch my brother race his tri-athalon. Yeup, that's next on my to do. I can totally do one easily [if i get the right bike and practice]. Swimming will take a month to get back and running.... well I'm working on it. My mom  wants me to, my brother said I'd like it and I've been researching. FIRST! A car. A job. New cell phone.

actually no.. first... I need to pass.








The clock is ticking that's for certain.

and later she said to me, baby girl you'll be living the dream.

Good Morning, afternoon, evening. It's beautiful outside-at least it looks as so from my location on the couch. My mom just opened the door to the deck. The birds are serenading the remaining daylight and my dog still refuses to go out... hm maybe because she just came back in and said it's like walking into a microwave out there. That explains why she's forgetting so much. Damnit ma, stay outta the microwave!

Currently, I am waiting for John to come pick me up. We're gonna buy some sushi and who knows where we'll go. There's a full moon tonight, almost as full as my overindulged stomache. I guess my stress-eating has returned. *shakes empty Snyder's Pretzel honey mustard and onion bag* *throws out Drumstick wrapper* MMM, this may be an issue.

After you've internally murdered an idea with your overthinking and overanalyzing, and you reincarnate it as a truth; fearful for the opinions and repercussions, you realize - it's not a big deal. You realize- that you may have just been busy preoccupying yourself  this idea and convincing that it may  be life altering...that it is just a thought, that really it doesn't matter.

We have to be thankful and love who we have right now when we have them.

i'm 110% sure I'm only 50%confident and 100% confused.

In order to put things in order, in any sense, would take days of writing and hours of wasted typing. Like the last entry I must spark note. Each day has been an adventure all on it's own, filled with continuous thoughts and recalcuations and nausea day in and day out. Please don't read this terrible because it's not! things just have been .... well .... it just has been.

Ah yes, two weeks. In two weeks, I have gone from sure, to unsure over and over, while battling the cloud of bo..i won't finish the word. I take them in a mere few weeks. Maybe just maybe after I take them, pass or fail, things will find a way of working out. I always have this sincere hope that situations will just work out, without any life altering decisions on my part. The reality of it is, that's not true and I need to really figure things out. I just dont have the time or emotional capacity at this moment.

Logic vs. Emotion vs. Reality. Zero of these competitors sit harmoniously at the dinner table. Luckily im nauseous all the time and not really hungry enough to eat. Please excuse me I need to study *walks away from table*

Today I will be studying. SHOCK! Then working DOUBLE SHOCK! But it's ok. I need this. It will be ok it will be ok.

Positives from the last two weeks:
Kellys was a success <3 So much fun. New games, new friends. Food was delicious. Drinks were sweet. Classic night.
Nifties & hangout time with some favorites it is difficult to see.
Watching John play Baseball and have fun
Coffee / life talks, and breakfast (NOTadate), and tangant conversations with a friend.
Graduation parties, in rainstorms.
Country concerts where the music literally takes control and you lose yourself in the sound and alochol. &Free drinks.
Bonfires.Late night swims.
OL Weekend: new people, same BS, laced with laughs
Brad Paisley. (needs no further description)
My brother is home for 3weeks.

It's been an awesome summer so far my gosh I hope it continues.

On this really high light note.. I'm gonna go. just because. good karma and all that.


You only get one chance. You have one journey through life; you cannot repeat even one moment or retrace one footstep. It seems that we are meant to inhabit and live everything that comes toward us.

John O’Donohue




love.

let's make a rule, to break all the rules

Ohkay, so let's hypothetically say summer is awesome so far with the exception of some emotional speed bumps ; some of which are smoothing out nicely, and hypothetically say I want the days to continue like this.

MMMM I'm ditching the hypotheticals and saying, this summer is living up to what I'm hoping. Saturday was a shit show, and an insane experience. Pictures are up, and it was a blast. John and I spent the day/night together and talked some things out. So far so good :). After going to bird paradise, &the concert, we went to Johns with his sister and Tim and swam. Passed out around 10, woke up late for work. Awesome. Went to work, kinda busy kinda not. Whatevs.

Then last night I'm sitting on the couch with mom watching the Flyers. After the first goal, I get a text if I wanna go to partyish down Temple. I get a 5 minute shower, dressed and changed in 15mins and by the fourth goal, I was down at Temple. Love me some randomness. Pretty much hung out, was the only girl. Typical. Met some new people, and drank from 10-5. Passed out for an hour, got a ride home, forgot my phone, walked to my friends house about a mile away got my phone, came home passed out.

I still managed to go for a run today. Pretty sure I may still be buzzed.

I love summer. I'm convinced it's magical. Magical in the sense we learn things we may overlook anyother season; good or bad we learn.

I'm very upset I wont be able to see my friends on Friday at Melissa's... but I'm really really excited to throw Kelly's party. a bittersweet situation.. Hopefully Saturday we can all get together.

Mph.. I definatly need a drink and food.. the last thing I remember eating was a chipwich at 430a..

pacienca y fe.

When I get anxious, or nervous, feel awkward, or uncomfortable I either laugh, or hold my breath. It's funny because I don't realize I'm holding my breath until I take a gnarly gasp, get dizzy or realize HOLY CRAP my lips are blue.
I know I wouldn't wanna be challenged in an underwater breath holding contest :).

Yesterday, I went shopping and I say it was successful. Very cute purchases including 2 dresses, new jean shorts, nice tops, 4 pairs of flips flops [Old Navy of course!] and a few other items. I'm still working on toning but my God, I am proud. I bought my shorts and they were a size 1. Now they're from Charlotte Russe so idk how accurate it is. I know I've lost more weight since even this weekend [I think I just worked off the beer ;) ] . I'm running everyday and doing abs now inbetween studying for boards. It's a nice trade off. Do I like spending my days doing questions and sweating.. meh. I actually look tan (!) and wanna keep up on that.

Tomorrow, is the XTU Anniversay Concert. AH! Im so so so excited. John will pick me up after he gets home from AC, and we should be on our way. I think tomorrow's drink of choice will be Landshark.

So, inbetween the studying, cleaning, running, and other boring summer nonsense that needs to be accomplished, I've been thinking. Hard. About A LOT. I have a secret, and idk if it's because I'm spending time on it or if I'm convincing myself or if I'm just growing up .. but.. [gnarly gasp] I wanna get married. Plain and simple. Yes, BridgetDwyer wants to get married. I've found myself getting giggly and smiling at the thought of starting a new life, with someone. It's a refreshing start and who says the fun things need to end?

There was this little maxim I took to heart a few years ago and forgot about. I'm glad to resurface it: The funny thing no one ever told me was that you CAN have it all.

So do I mention this to anyone in particular? I'm not sure. Maybe I should.... and see what happens. Because if it comes down to it, I will be on the look for someone to spend the rest of my life with.

Goodbye bad girlfriend.Good bye Bitchy Bridget [except for on occasion -everyone is entitled to bad days!]. Goodbye being afraid of losing. Goodbye being afraid in general. Goodbye what ifs, and hopefuls.

I was told I either give up or win. Granted, the truth is I hate losing.. but I am not backing down. I feel like im in the fight of my life. *cracking of the knuckles* Bring it.

Who am I fighting... right now I'm pretty sure it's my own thoughts, and few externals.

Regardless, I will win.

here i go on the fight of my life

Tomorrow, training begins.

I'm ready.

:)

the minor fall, and the major lift.

&so here I find myself disoriented and confused - again. I said I wouldn't write about it, but then again I said I wouldn't do a lot of things. Maybe I won't. But I will write all the ways I am not, and how she is who I strive to be. And so if you would not mind reading, me writing every negative thing about me that I need to see and fix.. stop here.. if not grab pop corn and make a tally of how you agree.

Disclaimer this is not for sympathy, if you are reading. It is an evaluation of how, although I've come far, I have so much left to do. &most of these are what she has, that I want...

1. Confidence. I cannot pinpoint what I do well, what I have done well. I am scared, and weak. Despite what is seen.
2. Being a heinous Bitch is a defense mechanism of mine. It has served me well when I needed/need protection, but now it's the cancer eating me alive. With every heartbeat, I realize where it's taken me, and how I've destroyed a massive portion of who/what I love. To say it hurts barely scratches the skin.
3. Low self-esteem/self-image/self-worth. Duh. Pretty much everyone has an amount of low selfesteem.. but I constantly remind myself I'm not good, I could be better.
4. No job. No car. No apartment of my own. I struggle and work hard.
5. Trust issues. I let no one in, and when I do.. I push them away.

I cannot apologize for my dreams, or aspirations or where I want to go. Does it scare the fucking daylight/shit/oxygen out of me that there is someone who wants to settle down, who appears nice [too nice..maybe fake but whatever], and is confident, looks amazing, everyone loves, is smarter than me, and a person I drove to make him happy even for a while... yes. It scares me with every fiber of my being. It hurts.

BUT

we are doing what we want
how we want, for ourselves
and not another soul.

I need to fix me.
I love him.
We're not married.
It will be ohkay.






One
Day
At
A
Time.

and the tunder rolls on, crashing like waves, sweeping the mess out to sea.

June ferst. Holy Cow. It was just May first. It was just January first. Where is this time going!? This four day weekend felt like a friday night, but boy was it awesome. The weather was perfect, the beer was cold, food was endless, the ocean fresh, and friends laughing into all hours of the morning was THEE way to really start the summer.

It's refreshing to take time and do nothing and everything with the people who matter. You can't change the way the wind blows, and you can't change the way people feel; including your self. The best you can do, is just that- the best full front effort. Grip the sail and carry on.

Honesty is a pretty good policy, even though is stings.

Now that the fun and games are over, I need to sit down, and develop my study plan, my workout plan, and my stay-sane plan. It will work. Woo SAh.

This crazy weather. It's pouring. I'd rather be down the shore...soon. I'll get there soon.


Alright, enough. I need to make a plan.