the minor fall, and the major lift.

&so here I find myself disoriented and confused - again. I said I wouldn't write about it, but then again I said I wouldn't do a lot of things. Maybe I won't. But I will write all the ways I am not, and how she is who I strive to be. And so if you would not mind reading, me writing every negative thing about me that I need to see and fix.. stop here.. if not grab pop corn and make a tally of how you agree.

Disclaimer this is not for sympathy, if you are reading. It is an evaluation of how, although I've come far, I have so much left to do. &most of these are what she has, that I want...

1. Confidence. I cannot pinpoint what I do well, what I have done well. I am scared, and weak. Despite what is seen.
2. Being a heinous Bitch is a defense mechanism of mine. It has served me well when I needed/need protection, but now it's the cancer eating me alive. With every heartbeat, I realize where it's taken me, and how I've destroyed a massive portion of who/what I love. To say it hurts barely scratches the skin.
3. Low self-esteem/self-image/self-worth. Duh. Pretty much everyone has an amount of low selfesteem.. but I constantly remind myself I'm not good, I could be better.
4. No job. No car. No apartment of my own. I struggle and work hard.
5. Trust issues. I let no one in, and when I do.. I push them away.

I cannot apologize for my dreams, or aspirations or where I want to go. Does it scare the fucking daylight/shit/oxygen out of me that there is someone who wants to settle down, who appears nice [too nice..maybe fake but whatever], and is confident, looks amazing, everyone loves, is smarter than me, and a person I drove to make him happy even for a while... yes. It scares me with every fiber of my being. It hurts.

BUT

we are doing what we want
how we want, for ourselves
and not another soul.

I need to fix me.
I love him.
We're not married.
It will be ohkay.






One
Day
At
A
Time.