dear angel.

The angel of death, sweeps down and whispers for you, whether you're ready or not. Don't cling to possession or loved ones; for this will be your greatest journey alone. You can carry memories and hope that all you did while you could left a breath of fresh air in the hearts of those around you.

It's feels like everyday there's a buncha RIP statuses and deaths...this morning one of the greatest men I've known passed away, and a friend's friend died as well. This brings back the reality check of how some things really don't matter..while others do.

If I see you..I'm gonna tackle you. Sorry in advance.

you can love the life your living. you can live the life you like/

Break was a nice appetizer for what I hope winter break to be. I just got in from my triple date...I got a text from 2male friends asking to go get milkshakes or see love&other drugs. After my esteem female decision making, we did both. It was actually a lot of fun. A few scenes with Anne Hathaway in it though, Bri turn to me and goes.."that's definatly you." Thankkks lovebug.

Tomorow I pack and go to work and go back. Argh. Good mood-stick around.

it's nice to not forget.

I've decided it's all about the company.

I came home yesterday to an empty house, so I did the most natural thing- took a nap in my own bed. My dog jumped up to cuddle/lay on top of me and I fell asleep. I wokeup a few times because he was scared to jump out. Big Baby. Then my mom and sister came home, and I didnt realize my brother was sleeping in his room... first family bicker screaming fight. Home at last.

 Last night, my siblings and I went to see Harry Potter, and I had soo much fun. I don't remember it being that good the first time.

This morning I fell back into my pre-boards  routine. Love it. Wake up, go for a run, eat some grub, relish in some thoughts and begin the day. I'm taking it a little slower and still relishing it up. People are flying, and traveling about today.. I get to watch my mom pace around the house like a caged rabid tiger because the rug people are late. THAT is my cue to leave soon...


Last night I sat and talked to Erin about Kairos. I dug into my closet to get out my letters and I could finally show her some of my stuff, including the 4page letter from that boy and I read her some of my speech for Love in Action. I re read some of the letters...even the one from him. First taste of love, and lesson that time does heal wounds..it really does..even if it takes 5years. I think it was a first for him and I; I know for a fact that he couldn't fathom someone caring about him that much, and vice versa. Was it true love? I dont know nor care about labeling love. It was what it was.  Our demons were too similar and he was dragging me down, hard and fast.

Time. It mends.
Eventually.


I don't feel as torn anymore; at least I think. During my run earlier I realized I am the weakest out of my siblings. We are very similar, uus three..including our constant need to pee during movies. But I found I am the weakest..or most afraid. Yes I am strong in some areas,  and strong headed in other but overall I'm a wimp. Plain an simple. I'm afraid to make decisions and leave people. I try. I'm getting better. I think being at school makes me super scattered. When I was home in the summer, preparing for boards I was determined, strong willed, ready and moving. Now? Where am I going? Who should I rely on? Who the HELL do I believe when I'm told one thing and they go and do another.. lie.. and tell me it's not what they want. Wimp. That's what I am. But it's ok :) because I know.

In need to shower and re read some books, or start of something new..


Yes. I think it's time for some new.

oh vom job.

"You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you're terrified somebody's going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you ...run, you just end up running into yourself." - Breakfast at Tiffany's

Ew. Quotes spelling out my existence in dramatic cinematic ways. The clock just donged and John's dog is crying again. Why do I keep writing in this thing? OH right Im taking a break from my journal analysis. Fabulous. I keep checking my phone in hopes for an answer. Womp. 8pages done in two hours, and an ENTIRE pot of coffee. I need to get away from this thing... re-read and edit..then 3more pages. YAY.

But tomorrow, always tomorrow..

11.11 made my wish.

"come on, things are never as they should be"

Yay to watching Lilo and Stitch, and starting the weekend off right. Olive Garden, girlfriends, and breadsticks. OOOOOH the breadsticks. Tomorrow I have work til 2.. then I get to go home for a smidgen. Kevin comes home and I want to see him<3. Otherwise. Life is procrastinated...I don't want to think of it as burning bridges, but more of reconstruction. It really does suck when youre left with no other choice, but the one you want to run as far away from as possible. I guess this is what has to happen, and I suppose it's okay now because things are as they should be.. right? The buzzing in the stomach; the dizziness; weakness; and chest tightness; probably just situational flu. Yup. Situational flu.

Omg the cookie bakeoff is deliciously sinful. It's hot when a guy can cook or bake. Seriously.

Okay gonna go indulge.


"Well, at least it'll make things easier."

"When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves"

Ugh I do NOT feel so good. I'm fearful I may have caught something from one of the many people dropping to sickness. I need a car terribly.

/35mins; starbucks trip and sitting in the living room.

Im mentally preparing to start the analysis of my case study. Intermittant trips to ensure my laundry is not evicted from it's cleaning apparatus prematurely. Seriously. Don't touch my wash >.<

Analysis of life situations have also been swirled about; the colors in some cases are complementary others a muddy mixture..beautiful.

Last night was a nice adventure. Everything was relaxing, fun and not as watered down as situations have become. Drama is distructive and last night felt like we were planting dandilions in the weapons of the enemy.

Now im caffienly mellow, I'm gonna start my paper.
mmmaybe.

volume pressure loops.

Rah. Rah ahh ahh ahhhh. MMMMM GaGa.

Taking a break from volume pressure loops and cardiac cycle changes. Lamesauce all over a lameburger. I decided I'm going to take my test tonight..actually in an hour. OOF. Then after is the Alex Thanksgiving Dinner;;; oh my gawd im soo excited. I love food. Tomorrow is a Julie Bridget Wattsy adventure and I'm pretty stoked!

I have a new/kinda recent fascination with all things Irish. Not really sure why, but I keep getting drawn to it. I applied to another two nursing jobs today and am going to apply to a childcare job at the new YMCA. Hopefully SOMETHING will come through..

Now, I'm going to help Carissa turn our homeinto a Winter Wonderland before my test.

HOLIDAYSSS!!


It's Pandora Christmas timeee


May God give you...



For every storm, a rainbow,


For every tear, a smile,


For every care, a promise,


And a blessing in each trial.


For every problem life sends,


A faithful friend to share,


For every sigh, a sweet song,


And an answer for each prayer.

cry wolf.

I don't need you to believe me. Actually I would really like it if you could, and I would feel better about it...but.. I know no one does. We tend to believe in and rely on people, in hopes that they will help us when we fall or make a mistake, or need help carrying things inside, or give us advice. People to reach out to, and be reached for; people called friends. With a match and some fluid, I've pretty much singed or burned any relationship I thought to have in the past four years. Even myself. I just wish  someone could have told me, reached out to me, anything. Now, it's too late.

Google can be a great resource, and after some in depth thinking and researching..I'm going to do it. I'm scared, and partially in denial..and scared...but my post bobble life starts incredibly soon. The past 7 years were stumbling blocks. It's time to pick up the shell, clean her off, and find out where the rest went.

Maybe this will give courage or closure...

I guess I have some courage because, I took the first step.

circled thinking and anxious butterflies

I haven't heard this song in literally- forever and it's perfect.

all the ember needs is a little oxygen; now watch it burn.

November has taken the initiative; the ride is beginning.

This first week has been rediculous; in all senses. Every day is strikingly different. I'm happy October left, but the stinging cold is a reminder of darker days to come. Literally. Daylight savings time was this morning. 

I value those who can verbally slap me in the face when I deserve it; &I did.

/20mins later

It seems like nothing can just be. I love when I go for runs, because I can detach and go. Disappear from the nonsense within these four walls.

I get demanding and agressive, and then shrink to fit what people want. That makes me sick. I'm saying this, to no one in particular or about anyone specific but NO ONE is going to make me feel bad or uncomfortable for being friends with someone who is really good to me, and understands when few do. It drives me insane how many eggshells are scattered and how much of a mine feild life has become. No. More.




My brother is coming home early for thanksgiving! I'm so pumped.

Yikes to the changes. Yikes to the never-ending nervousness. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes.


Time to go for a run.