Nosebleeds. Hypoglycemia. Migraines. Reflux. Hyperventilation. Tremors. Nausea. Syncope.
My body is begging me to stop. I am so sorry.
I have to keep on pushing. Four more days left. I dont know if I'm going to make it.
I need help.
31 March 2011
29 March 2011
survive - or.
be brave and youre going to be fine.
Day 1: Complete. Despite all the little things falling apart around me, I continue to push forward. Today I have class until 7 then work 11-7. Rispera. Rispera. I can't tell you how many time I caught myself verbally reassuring myself-breathe, keep going. I can only assume my stress levels are high- really really high. The syncope is unreal. The world will start to spin once in while and my arms continue to go numb. Breathe.
Despite my exhaustion and sleepless days- I had a dream last night. Currently tryin not to let a tear slip. My closure for things happen in my dreams. It's my body's way of telling me, it's ok. Any desperate situation or life altering events, have been resolved inmy dreams. If they havent, then my time with the situation or person is not complete. Tim was one. In the dream; the room was dark and full of tension. just a room nothing special. it was a wide wood paneled room with a door seperating another annex like room. a single light, of the interrogation style hung inthe middle. In the wood paneled room, I was sitting on a sheetless mattress with Tim and I was trying not to cry. He was holding me. In the doorway were my family and friends of the time, even the ones who were angry with me. They were saying come on, come with us. I looked at Tim and he says you ahve to choose, it's either me or them. With some unparralled strength i stood up walked across the room and into and instant light leaving him in the dark room. This was kind of like what I went through in reality with choosing. The toxicity of the relationship was driving me away from those I loved and I for the longest time, he was worth it.
The dream may not seem that significant but it felt real. I wokeup wet with tears - obviously crying in my sleep, and sweaty. That story was a long drawn out toxic event. But after that dream, I felt a little better realizing to trust myself and continue forward.
This morning I woke up with a tear wet face, and covered in sweat. I'm still a little shaky, but everything is ok.
I finally have been using words like yes. no. very permanent decisions and answers. Solid. Real. Unchanging. After a tearful release, we can move on.
I'm taking steps for me. Yes it will take a very long time. I am scared. I wanna rubberband back to the easy..but it wouldn't be easy. Nothing is as easy as you perceive. Things do happen for a reason. What ifs have no place in the past, and only tickle the future.
Sometimes you have to realize, what you want changes. You love, and you lose. You hurt, my god do you hurt. As the days move along, the pain starts to disappear. Then, one day you look around and see..
Day 1: Complete. Despite all the little things falling apart around me, I continue to push forward. Today I have class until 7 then work 11-7. Rispera. Rispera. I can't tell you how many time I caught myself verbally reassuring myself-breathe, keep going. I can only assume my stress levels are high- really really high. The syncope is unreal. The world will start to spin once in while and my arms continue to go numb. Breathe.
Despite my exhaustion and sleepless days- I had a dream last night. Currently tryin not to let a tear slip. My closure for things happen in my dreams. It's my body's way of telling me, it's ok. Any desperate situation or life altering events, have been resolved inmy dreams. If they havent, then my time with the situation or person is not complete. Tim was one. In the dream; the room was dark and full of tension. just a room nothing special. it was a wide wood paneled room with a door seperating another annex like room. a single light, of the interrogation style hung inthe middle. In the wood paneled room, I was sitting on a sheetless mattress with Tim and I was trying not to cry. He was holding me. In the doorway were my family and friends of the time, even the ones who were angry with me. They were saying come on, come with us. I looked at Tim and he says you ahve to choose, it's either me or them. With some unparralled strength i stood up walked across the room and into and instant light leaving him in the dark room. This was kind of like what I went through in reality with choosing. The toxicity of the relationship was driving me away from those I loved and I for the longest time, he was worth it.
The dream may not seem that significant but it felt real. I wokeup wet with tears - obviously crying in my sleep, and sweaty. That story was a long drawn out toxic event. But after that dream, I felt a little better realizing to trust myself and continue forward.
This morning I woke up with a tear wet face, and covered in sweat. I'm still a little shaky, but everything is ok.
I finally have been using words like yes. no. very permanent decisions and answers. Solid. Real. Unchanging. After a tearful release, we can move on.
I'm taking steps for me. Yes it will take a very long time. I am scared. I wanna rubberband back to the easy..but it wouldn't be easy. Nothing is as easy as you perceive. Things do happen for a reason. What ifs have no place in the past, and only tickle the future.
Sometimes you have to realize, what you want changes. You love, and you lose. You hurt, my god do you hurt. As the days move along, the pain starts to disappear. Then, one day you look around and see..
27 March 2011
hello you.
"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life."
I'm letting go.
hope for tomorrow.
I had my first realization of leaving Gwynedd today in the cafe, during the insanity that is student acceptance day. Mostly all of my friends are away this weekend, or went out somewhere, or are doing their natural thing- running.I sat there, looking around and eavesdropping to the best of my ability. There were mostly discussions about teachers and the crappy food [welcome to gmc newbie] and the nursing program. I even found pleasure in watching Al and Kruti cleaning tables. Then I realized...as much as I dislike Gwynedd Mercy College, that is the beautiful essence I am going to miss.. Sitting in the cafe with friends complaining and reminiscing.
Last night, after work I went to Tex Mex because it was Courtney's birthday celebration. It was a really amazingly good time. Mostly amusing. It felt like my four years were crammed into a small corner of margaritas and laughter. There were reconnections made, dances had, feathers tossed about and all around a good time. It is truly amazing how you can change in four years. I think the best part was looking a friend in the face after four years of barely any conversation, and falling back into place. [Even the most strange friendships can stand time]. I also learned too many margaritas make you look like a total idiot and I'm glad I could laugh and relish not having a hangover the next day.
I am hopeful for the future.. even though the future is beginning right now..
The library will be my current residence for the remainder of the day. So much to do. So much sleep missing. These are the days I am going to miss.
Last night, after work I went to Tex Mex because it was Courtney's birthday celebration. It was a really amazingly good time. Mostly amusing. It felt like my four years were crammed into a small corner of margaritas and laughter. There were reconnections made, dances had, feathers tossed about and all around a good time. It is truly amazing how you can change in four years. I think the best part was looking a friend in the face after four years of barely any conversation, and falling back into place. [Even the most strange friendships can stand time]. I also learned too many margaritas make you look like a total idiot and I'm glad I could laugh and relish not having a hangover the next day.
I am hopeful for the future.. even though the future is beginning right now..
The library will be my current residence for the remainder of the day. So much to do. So much sleep missing. These are the days I am going to miss.
20 March 2011
yeah im ready to feel now, no longer am i afraid of the fall down.
I can't just pick one lyric to sum up my emotions right now. Roller frickin coaster. This weekend was really awesome in most ways. Yesterday I slept for hours and hours on end. Purely by accident too. Today, to celebrate the first day of Spring correctly was spent traveling to and from the different Ritas locations accompanied by music, sunshine, and laughter. Ohhow I love laughing and miss it.
Come onnnnn summertime and the feel goods. We're spending time making plans and doing our own thing...sadly Monday is going to peer it's nasty head too fast. For the first time since Friday I flipped open my pocket calendar to see what is going to happen. Boy did that knock the good feeling fast. It's really crunch time. There is so much to be done in a short amount of time. "bridget BREATHE..right now" is all I keep hearing in my head. hah oh I'm breathing I swear. Does my face match my hair? Nope? Then..Im ok for now.
Tonight I will be burning through work, or try to , to prepare for this week. Certain things help.. like music and thoughts, and friends, and uughhhh too much water ice.
Lady A, Sugarland, Rascal Flatts,
love you need you thank you.
Come onnnnn summertime and the feel goods. We're spending time making plans and doing our own thing...sadly Monday is going to peer it's nasty head too fast. For the first time since Friday I flipped open my pocket calendar to see what is going to happen. Boy did that knock the good feeling fast. It's really crunch time. There is so much to be done in a short amount of time. "bridget BREATHE..right now" is all I keep hearing in my head. hah oh I'm breathing I swear. Does my face match my hair? Nope? Then..Im ok for now.
Tonight I will be burning through work, or try to , to prepare for this week. Certain things help.. like music and thoughts, and friends, and uughhhh too much water ice.
Lady A, Sugarland, Rascal Flatts,
love you need you thank you.
18 March 2011
take my hand, and lead me to salvation.
Les Miserables; this line/part in the Finale is guarenteed to make me cry anytime anywhere. It is beautiful, in every way beauty can be expressed. (Fast fwd to 5:54)
Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spoken:
To love another person is to see the face of god
The truth that once was spoken:
To love another person is to see the face of god
Even the Valjean cries. The entire audience is still. The resonance of the words echo in your soul. *chills*
My favorite still is the original symphonic recording but still.
Here I sit snuggled in the Tweety bird comforter at Kathys. My baby is sleeping... she's not really a baby anymore...I want to slow her life down and play dolls all day. I fell asleep for a little bit while we were watching Elmo. I wake up and say sorry baby girl and she puts her arm around me and goes it's ok biddy I'll keep you ok if you want to sleep. I want to bottle her spirit and kindness so that when shes a teenager I can feed it to her..and when I'm having a bad day just take it in. I never want her to grow up. Actually I do so I can take her shopping and we can hang out like Kathy and I but.. the rest of the world and hurt and nonsense.. I just want to keep her locked away from it all. Taylor Swift- Never Grow Up.. pretty much sums my plea for this little girl. But I suppose we all have to go through it.
Hard work does pay off.. in certain ways I suppose. Grades are in for Nursing. I did decent on the Midterms [thank god]. There is so much coming up..stress is going to ride me hard. I will prevail per usual, armed with coffee and good music.
Ugh; my body is tired. Sunday I will need it to sleep and do massive work. Last night I onnly got one hour of sleep before work. Oy. At least it was an awesome evening of dancing and rocking out with some favorite people. Tomrrow work again 730a-3.
Things will be alright...I have a confidence that things will happen as they should...the sunshine helps a little bit too.
oh summer hurry.
15 March 2011
Sealed and deliver.
I've decided to really clamp down.
I'm going to make my blogger a bit private.
My ramblings are rambles, but I want to feel ok about typing. Writing is my outlet you see.
If you wish to read: comment, send an e-mail or just tell me and I can put your e-mail down as "allowable viewer"
love.
I'm going to make my blogger a bit private.
My ramblings are rambles, but I want to feel ok about typing. Writing is my outlet you see.
If you wish to read: comment, send an e-mail or just tell me and I can put your e-mail down as "allowable viewer"
love.
14 March 2011
scared.
Ugh. The wall is-a crumblin. Everyone has off days right?
It just sucks that I was weak in front of the wrong person. STUPID.
It's funny... one day you're planning your life together, unafraid, good mood bad, beautiful ugly
it's perfectly ok and
another, you're afraid to show any ounce of fear..and any emotion other than stable in general.
Two months til graduation.
I don't want to rely on the promise that lies on the other side.
My head has invaded and wrapped its electricity around my heart.
Come close? ZAP. Leave it alone..she is still not ok
I'm a little nenxious. [nervous&anxious].
I think it's kind of a good thing.. because this means I have something to lose.
Right?
It just sucks that I was weak in front of the wrong person. STUPID.
It's funny... one day you're planning your life together, unafraid, good mood bad, beautiful ugly
it's perfectly ok and
another, you're afraid to show any ounce of fear..and any emotion other than stable in general.
Two months til graduation.
I don't want to rely on the promise that lies on the other side.
My head has invaded and wrapped its electricity around my heart.
Come close? ZAP. Leave it alone..she is still not ok
I'm a little nenxious. [nervous&anxious].
I think it's kind of a good thing.. because this means I have something to lose.
Right?
13 March 2011
i want you to write.
Write? about what? to who? and for what purpose. He has so much faith in me and my words, but what happens when the river runs dry and the stuttering rythmn of letters don't keep time. I'll try friend, I will.
Setting in motion the rythmn of my fingers hitting the board remembering what it feels like to let go and htink, without thoughts. let your mind drift as your emotions take on a life of their own and manifest, over and over, turning and releasing - doesn't that feel better?
no grammar or punctuation im not even looking a thte keys i let them type and take on shapes of their own
eyes closed
see the world from a differnt view
view it from your third eye the all knowing and all feeling - breathe- go- do
it's ohkay. what you feel should not be your fault; it is never your fualt
dont apologize. dont break from the bend. you are magnificent.
dont drag me under your current of addictive words and beautiful phrases. your eeyes draw in, but the devil resides iwthin i can see it but the temptation is just too strong. am i wrong? are you real or am i living in the past of distant memories kalediscoping around in colors of happiness nad love.
.Shit... no editing, no looking..just raw typing...it's not too bad...i dont think...
Setting in motion the rythmn of my fingers hitting the board remembering what it feels like to let go and htink, without thoughts. let your mind drift as your emotions take on a life of their own and manifest, over and over, turning and releasing - doesn't that feel better?
no grammar or punctuation im not even looking a thte keys i let them type and take on shapes of their own
eyes closed
see the world from a differnt view
view it from your third eye the all knowing and all feeling - breathe- go- do
it's ohkay. what you feel should not be your fault; it is never your fualt
dont apologize. dont break from the bend. you are magnificent.
dont drag me under your current of addictive words and beautiful phrases. your eeyes draw in, but the devil resides iwthin i can see it but the temptation is just too strong. am i wrong? are you real or am i living in the past of distant memories kalediscoping around in colors of happiness nad love.
.Shit... no editing, no looking..just raw typing...it's not too bad...i dont think...
12 March 2011
balance.
Sugarland reminds me of summer. Driving Zoe with her windows down on Woodhaven, makes me anxious for summer roadtrips. This morning I sat on Mom's bed, like I used to when I was little, and told her about my week. Then the inevitable question came - what's your plan now? Well..what is next? Car payments, tuition payments, picking up more shifts/pulling doubles, homework/projects, FAFSA at some point; back to the grind. In all honesty, I just want to graduate. Life is waiting on the other side. I know how people felt when they graduated high school ... Doesn't mean I'm not going to have the best time here on out. I'm indifferent..but I am ready.
After the fluff and fantasy of Spring Break has worn off, I've had some time to think. What is next? Where am I going now? I'm not scared. If anything, this break I've learned that I need to be patient. Maybe I can't get things right the first time (ie COD), but with practice it can happen ( - but I really like playin on the invincible level. Sooo much easier). Also, it doesn't matter where you are or where you go, it's really about who you're with.
Tell me I can't do something, and I will prove you wrong to the best of my ability. Atlantic Ocean in my dress, in AC - Check. Feet numb after- Double Check. Tell me my dreams are stupid and won't come true, or I'm unrealistic.. I will show you who is unrealistic and will be left behind.
Some light was shed on a perception of my life.. I mean, I just do what I have always done in order to survive. I don't need to document my life online every five seconds, or have people know everything about me in order to appreciate who I am. If you like me, fine if not then that's ok too.
I believe in second chances, and people can change if they REALLY want to, or.. if they find the right one.
After the fluff and fantasy of Spring Break has worn off, I've had some time to think. What is next? Where am I going now? I'm not scared. If anything, this break I've learned that I need to be patient. Maybe I can't get things right the first time (ie COD), but with practice it can happen ( - but I really like playin on the invincible level. Sooo much easier). Also, it doesn't matter where you are or where you go, it's really about who you're with.
Tell me I can't do something, and I will prove you wrong to the best of my ability. Atlantic Ocean in my dress, in AC - Check. Feet numb after- Double Check. Tell me my dreams are stupid and won't come true, or I'm unrealistic.. I will show you who is unrealistic and will be left behind.
Some light was shed on a perception of my life.. I mean, I just do what I have always done in order to survive. I don't need to document my life online every five seconds, or have people know everything about me in order to appreciate who I am. If you like me, fine if not then that's ok too.
I believe in second chances, and people can change if they REALLY want to, or.. if they find the right one.
11 March 2011
ill speak in riddles, so that you may understand.
Nooooooo. Can we please just rewind back to a week ago today, and replay. This break has been a beautiful distraction from life, and the complicated trails on the horizon await. I can say it was a pure success, and the winding down will consist of homework, sleep and work.
I went to the Franklin Institute, had a panera date, was reunited with two clowns whom I missed dearly - we spent the night buying random things from Walmart and going mudsliding in Bensalem, and took off on an adventure to AC for Jimmy's birthday. I also learned how to play XBox/Halo/COD4, spent days just watching movies and laughing without a care.
AC was a blast, with the best people in the world. I swear Gwynedd is a black hole; but once we were ripped away from that strastosphere, we were ourselves and happy.
Happy half birthday to Bri Taylor and Myself...my what has changed in 6months...wonder what will happen inthe upcoming ones.
I'm gonna go trace shapes around the bruises on my legs from AC..God knows what they're from.
I went to the Franklin Institute, had a panera date, was reunited with two clowns whom I missed dearly - we spent the night buying random things from Walmart and going mudsliding in Bensalem, and took off on an adventure to AC for Jimmy's birthday. I also learned how to play XBox/Halo/COD4, spent days just watching movies and laughing without a care.
AC was a blast, with the best people in the world. I swear Gwynedd is a black hole; but once we were ripped away from that strastosphere, we were ourselves and happy.
Happy half birthday to Bri Taylor and Myself...my what has changed in 6months...wonder what will happen inthe upcoming ones.
I'm gonna go trace shapes around the bruises on my legs from AC..God knows what they're from.
03 March 2011
tumbling turning wish and weave.
dusting away the cobwebs on a familiar feeling; the comfort of a cup of coffee, buds delivering words you want to, wish to, but can't say (so I sit mellowin out to the time kept by the drum), and a keyboard. Hello Keiss hall lab, 2nd floor , second row window seat - I've missed you.
Sophomore year I practically lived in this seat before classes, giving myself some time to think reflect and write it out. I shouldn't have to be so afraid to write it all out anymore, but i am certainly hesitant.
march 3 2010 snipit: " Last night, before work [I'm very chronological today aren't I?] Kelly came over and dyed my hair for me. It's now a chocolate brownish. I like it, I look older, and I miss the cluster of strawberry colors-but it'll fade back gracefully."
Dear LORD how much changes. Last night I went out for drinks with Matty. How I missed him. It was refreshing, a breath of relief. Tides of time change a lot but it's comforting to know that there are people out there no matter what the circumstances or the years dont lose their shine. He is still the amazing down to earth hilarious adorable boy I knew when we met at 13. (Of course with some maturing on both sides but that's life). Talk about someone who has seen me go through it all. OY. I love remembering how to laugh, how to relax and sit there and just be - no worries, no bullshit. Needless to say we're going to go out and catch up again.
I'm pretty sure I enjoy getting intoxicated on coffee than any other drug. If I had to- that would be my drug of choice. It's going to be a beautiful day.
bridget dwyer, as long as i've you, you've always been high on life .
drugs are overrated. people are addicting enough.
Sophomore year I practically lived in this seat before classes, giving myself some time to think reflect and write it out. I shouldn't have to be so afraid to write it all out anymore, but i am certainly hesitant.
march 3 2010 snipit: " Last night, before work [I'm very chronological today aren't I?] Kelly came over and dyed my hair for me. It's now a chocolate brownish. I like it, I look older, and I miss the cluster of strawberry colors-but it'll fade back gracefully."
Dear LORD how much changes. Last night I went out for drinks with Matty. How I missed him. It was refreshing, a breath of relief. Tides of time change a lot but it's comforting to know that there are people out there no matter what the circumstances or the years dont lose their shine. He is still the amazing down to earth hilarious adorable boy I knew when we met at 13. (Of course with some maturing on both sides but that's life). Talk about someone who has seen me go through it all. OY. I love remembering how to laugh, how to relax and sit there and just be - no worries, no bullshit. Needless to say we're going to go out and catch up again.
I'm pretty sure I enjoy getting intoxicated on coffee than any other drug. If I had to- that would be my drug of choice. It's going to be a beautiful day.
bridget dwyer, as long as i've you, you've always been high on life .
drugs are overrated. people are addicting enough.
02 March 2011
if only for today, i am unafraid.
where did this cold weather come from?! oh my god this is not ohkay.
countdown clock is ticking, heart beats a little faster, smile hasn't faded.
a roomie and i are floating high, only being kept grounded by loose strings of reality.
spring stick around, your freshness is littering beautiful things all around.
i really like the smiles found on some faces; and i LAHV even more the new-old "mes" coming back to town.
we all deserve it.
and we will get the best because that is what we deserve.
6days.
countdown clock is ticking, heart beats a little faster, smile hasn't faded.
a roomie and i are floating high, only being kept grounded by loose strings of reality.
spring stick around, your freshness is littering beautiful things all around.
i really like the smiles found on some faces; and i LAHV even more the new-old "mes" coming back to town.
we all deserve it.
and we will get the best because that is what we deserve.
6days.
01 March 2011
two words.
My head is buzzing in an unfamiliar way; and I am in no rush to make it go away. I am making every conscious effort to procrastinate from this paper.
When two little words is all it takes to make you smile and forget your day...that's exactly when I start to get nervous. (In a good way). Let this not be a bad joke, and for some reason I don't think it is. Here's to the continuation of new and fresh things in 2011.
When two little words is all it takes to make you smile and forget your day...that's exactly when I start to get nervous. (In a good way). Let this not be a bad joke, and for some reason I don't think it is. Here's to the continuation of new and fresh things in 2011.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)