theyre bright and colorful just the way i like them

The path I've chosen, is dusty and dark..but I've found it is lined with brightly colored flowers. My job is to blow the dust away, hold some stars in my pocket and continue. The weather is unforgiving outside, and I am quite content sitting in my bed snuggled under the covers. I have made it through the most stressful part of the week.
Tuesday-Midterm/articles/paper
Wednesday-Starbucks 8-430, Erins Bday Dinner in Philly, Work 11-70
Thursday- Class 1-215, then 430 Midterm (which I got the info before my overnight)

Last night I went to the Talent Show, and divulged in a well deserved Mudslide at Crapplebees. I got a call last night to work 11-7 again..I half wanted to call them back  but my body is really taking a toll..my legs are cramping somthing aweful. I need to get that fixed. Tonight I have work again 11-7, then 8-430 tomorrow. Then I have to start/finish this disgusting paper on an Evidence Based practice due Tuesday sometime this weekend.

Few Things of Note :

1. Flowers. It's really hard to not let things go to your head but..I really can't stop smiling. ESPECIALLY since it was a surprise and  I'm being told over and over,  you deserve it .  It's been a really long time since I've just, smiled. Jamie. No.
2. Style. Yesterday in English class, my teacher came up to me as I was settling in my seat and said how I have really developed a style since Freshmen year. She read my paper already, and said how much she really enjoyed reading  it. I mean the creative writing excercises I just have fun with, but she asked if I write for fun and yaddy and how I shouldn't stop... I really have talent. She said more but Im really bad with compliments. It's nice to know what I really want to do..people enjoy. 
3. Courage. Damn man, it takes a lot of courage to do little things and follow on decisions. It's hard. but when the evidence is apparent, and it hurts more to hold on you have to really find your inner lion and roar. Rawr :)
4. AC, I really cannot wait for this shit show of a getaway. This will be  a night we won't forget, of whatever we can remember. I'm a little nervous, but in a good way. Antsy. Lets gooooo.
5. Friends. Need I say more? I love them. I trust them. You really can't make it through a terrible day without people there kicking your ass to keep going, sing/scream songs from the bottom of your lungs, shoulders to punch and cry on, hugs, ohhhh hugs, and the silence of understanding.

               So, I thank you.

there are times when the poets and pornstars align, and you won't know who to believe in

I will never get over that line. LOVE it to pieces. Sometimes I wonder, when do you know enough is enough? Is it found in courage? Knowledge? Trust? Pain? Maybe you have to dig deep and find that really small but strong lightbeam and drag it to your mouth. shed some light and say: I'm done.



Thought this was cute:
I wanna grab a flag and wave it high, but nothing of the white sort.. no not I. 
It's my flag of courage and bright moon beams, saying I'm not going anywhere
 This road is tough, and the elements are harsh, but believe you me I am moving along. 
I will fall, but I take comfort in knowing you will be there to soften my landing and for that I am blessed.


 keep moving, keep pushing, gotta keep going forward.

For only 25¢ I can keep you close

clumsy robot i have been. i keep dropping things and being far from graceful. i like it. i also really like being able to drive myself places. you would think that it's second nature and a given, but when you finally feel that sense of freedom, and having something that is yours really is .. well it's wordless. you feel it.

i wanna remember these days and hold on tight.

When lies become the truth, that's when I run to you.

I've had enough. What is real, and what isn't has become the hardest thing to decipher. After being told one thing, hearing another, seeing the opposite, feeling hate hurt and confusion, talking on the phone to try to get a truth or something..ANYTHING straightened out.. I decided I needed to leave.

I'm going to pay for it in the upcoming days school wise, but whatever. I needed it.  How many months til graduation?

Work today. Work tomorrow and Sunday.
How long til retirement?

At least it's friday.

born to mother fuckin shine.

0530.
Mr. Coffee is percolating. Refrigerator is buzzing to keep the drinks cool. Other than the creaks and coughs of a sick roommate, the world is: silent. I would love to hang on to this moment; but my forever racing mind won't let me. Work today 7-3 then 4-930. Homework after that. Just sticking to today. Keeping it simple as possible.

Simple. Easy. all in perception. Nope it's never simple. No we can't just go back, but we can perceive the easiness of the present and the future. I don't have time for hate or regret-although there is only one of the two I am stuck on. Luckily, there is opportunity to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Am I ready?

In class yesterday we discussed briefly about the expectation of our future. The American Dream. What our hopes for the future will be. Do we want to surpass or model our parents. I sat quiet, the entire time.

My expectations for myself? This is something I have been contemplating since class. I expect to be stable, and happy, and willing to rip my whole self open for another person to accept..even my past. I expect to by the age of 25 have a Master's degree at LEAST.

No man bitch or attitude can hold me back; although they may try. Most people proclaim dreams and stay stagnant, never able to leave their home town. Sorry, that's not for me.

the role of the lead actress

Just pretend you're in a movie.

Be as brave and as full of love as the main character.

Because we all need to believe in movies, sometimes.

-IWTFY

yesyesyes. If this were a movie I'd wanna skip the sad parts and the heartache. Let's just fast forward to the part where the girl gets the right guy. I have the glistening beautifully sharp scissors but I can't cut the strings. There are way too many. I'm not ready or I'm just not sure. Either way it's not about the scenes; it's the residual of the goodbyes that rip the scabs away, exposing raw emotions and bleeding scars.

 

I love creative writing.

And I love fiction.

 

A word to the wise and the lovers of fiction and fairy tales.. don't get so deep in the thought of the story you can't find your way out or realize truth...because I've followed the white rabbit again and I can't find my way to Neverland.

 

What's my new plan?

 

 

Taking a deep breath now because my face is turning red .  

 

 

 

things ill never tell you.

This has been a great day so far.
Homeless shelter volunteering, thinking, train rides, parading around downtown, cart cheesesteaks and chocolate chip cookies.

 By accident, purely by accident- I referred to him as my boyfriend. Twice. Only twice, but within a short amount of time apart this past week. Stupid self. You're not together. No matter what we do or say or act or feel. Feel..what do I feel?

Nothing. I don't feel anything. I'm not numb, nor sad, nor happy. Confused? Masking? Maybe.

Even on this day can love be enough?
Fairytales say yes. Reality says no.

I woke up happy. I been dancing around happy. No faking. No pretending.
Then why did I just get so sad?

First test tonight, then homework. Maybe I'll nap it away.

it's not just about the x's and o's

There is  a little green polkadotted ribbon tied looped through little charms and a key into a bow. A key. A ticket. A chance. A debt. A hassle. A relief. I haven't named her/him yet. I feel like when the time is right I'll know. How do parents pick their children's names?!

Today will consist of some SERIOUS homework doing. Another busy week ahead. I think that this will be the new trend busy weeks accompanied by extensive sleep loss. 3weeks and two days until Atlantic City. 23 freakin days.

Alright. It's true. All you optimists and such were right. Eventually things have a way of falling together. Maybe not with the right pieces, right time, or what you even planned. They do.. I still dunno how to feel about it though..and there most certainly is going to be more 'falling'.

People talk no matter what. They yap and yap to voice an opinion and even when circumstances change they yap and yap about that too. Oy vey. Just let people work out their own issues. If you wanna sit with your popcorn then do so, just don't say anything unless asked.. yanno?

On to the homework so I can have my Valentine dinner with some beautiful ladies tonight .

it's cute no matter which way you look at it.

3-11
7-330
Both complete.
Next up: 11-7 then I will be home free.

Snyder's pretzel honey mustard and onion = Craving.
Sugarland; Want To = Jamming.
Brain=slowly shutting down.
Me= showering, nap? or starting homework or neither
Heart=feels like Afib. [In a good way]
May= Officially walking in Graduation

"Don't let the drama that surrounds you, make you feel like you are wrong"
Thanks horoscope. :)

from the first time I pressed my hand to yours.

Excuse me while I grab the clock and strangle it .. im searching for a spare moment. The next few days are going to be taxing; but at the end of it all, it will be MORE than worth it. I really want to run across the hall and scream at Jamie&watch Nikki do her hair..oh wait. Hahaha. I realized those little things are what I'm going to miss. Luckily I don't have to miss them yet.

There are SO many things to look forward to in the approaching months.

We could keep things just the same

Leave here the way we came with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to

 Three S's, Summer;Shore;Sugarland.

Now it's time to catch up on GLEE

anchor.

Despite the chaos, and things pulling me in 1000 different directions, you've kept and continue to keep me grounded. You have looked me straight in the face and said it will be ok. And I will continue to believe you.

Little by little, the beautiful things are unfolding. Stupid pop songs continue to describe my days and mood; not in a bad way of course. (Currently it's the Jamie Meyers cover of It's Tearin Up My Heart, now available on iTunes ;] ).

I'm glad we're talking again, and are on our way...to..wherever. Forgive, sounds good..forget not too sure I can just yet. I don't really believe I'm expected to either. What else is there to say. There's a strange linger of comfort and security..two very hard things to just let go. The hugs still feel safe as they did on day one, and the knowing of I could look my worst and still be seen as the best is to familiar. It's nice to know that even in light of all the changes, some things do in fact stay the same.

There are some amazing things I am looking forward to this week..super nervous but it's just another new.
:)

oh you make me smile.

scattered but serene.

February. Feb. rue. air. ee.

My little ball of energy-ness is back. I bounce more- even though I'm advised to keep from doing so for the ceiling gets closer everytime. I'm finding my feet. It's quite difficult to move on, and forward when you are lacking feet. The ground has been patched, and the bumpers are lining the road. I tried to run miles and get past the pain, but you can't rush things like that; you have to go through. I have a tendancy to try and skip steps and rush but I have to remember the one word I HATEHATEHATE: patience. Maybe one day Patience and I will be amiable partners in crime. I'm abiding by its rules, and so far.. things are ok. I'm far from the end, but I can see the light. And it's beautiful.

This week I will be thrust back to the days where I bargain for sleep between bites of cereal. It's ok. At least it'll make the days go by.

A recurring phrase I've heard is how I need to "give [my]self more credit."  I have to work on my self esteem and self assurance. I can't beat myself up over things I cannot control, and I'm learning how to stop doing that. Slowly.

I can honestly say I unconditionally love my friends. You have helped me and yelled at me and told me straight up to stop, no, youre going to be ok and of course have been there with Doritos, chocolate and other comfort foods. That's just an inch of superficial things. I have my Valentines for Singles Awareness Day.

Does that make me a polygimist?