just some coffee and candy coated dreams.

As The Light weaves through The Darkness,                        you can feel rumbles of change.
Shadows dance and  frolick,                                       as the churning within begins to boil
The Light kisses the dancers goodbye,        leaving pain, confusion, and nausea, no pill can tame
Suddenly blinding Light hugs tight,               you spin creating SOS crop circles to find the right way,
THEN,
carved paths; clear and inviting                    with a supple mind you're ready, &willing to embark

            hesitantly, you wonder about the sudden absence of dark, and pain

                           finally it becomes clear


                            you are not the same.

put your big girl panties on.

Oh boy.
Here we go. No pause or rewind.
Gotta keep on moving.

because im easy come, easy go.

WAHHHHH CAFFEINE SWIMMING SWARMING WARMING COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS. So much hype in a little foam container. $1.72 well spent. Today, I must start/finish packing, go to my LAST doctors appt [hopefully], find a place to get fingerprinted, mail child abuse nonsense, continue to upload documents for school, go for a run and finish my OL thinger. Ah. I like a challenge. All of this because tomorrow : I move back into school. Whoaski.

Saturday, I have the LIVESTRONG 5k. Very excited for that. Then Sat night is the Toby Keith Concert with John, Jenny, Matt, and the wondrous Bill. We've finally figured out to prepare ahead of time for tailgating. haha. Took an entire summer of concerts but we finally did it.

With all this being said, I'm not sure when I'm going to have internet again, because I can't find my ethernet cord. Actually I can't find anything haha .. but my thoughts for this year?

Different. Not bad, not threatening, just different. As a really good friend of mine <3 and I were discussing yesterday, this year is going to be freaking awesome. Our Last Rodeo, but we're not freshman anymore. The bullshit and idiotic dramatics hopefully will be at a minimum or just not coffee table talk bullshit. That's stressful. Looking at me, it may not be realized, but I have matured intensely since freshman year. Priorities are aligning, not perfect, but realized. I am ready, for anyone and everything. Why do I have a weird grape sized pit in my stomach...


Thank you summer for living up to most of my expectations,  crossing off some todos and opening my eyes to options. You have been awesome and long and loving. [Except for the whole body nonsense, but I forgive you] .


Here we go, to the beginning of the end.

you're not going anywhere.

sparkle and shine

Nobody writes anymore; letters that is. It's such a lost art in opinion. A fresh piece of paper with thoughts transferred from the heart through ink. It's pretty, and it's lost. I love print- ie) books, mags, newspapers. Its real, it's concrete, it's more or less legit. How legitimate is the internet; what we say what we type is not always real or fact. When on paper, you need to apologize, scribble, recant. Online, you can delete. Such an easy way out.

wildflower.

ready to start the day.

Goood Morning! Well.. now it's 12 in the afternoon. I decided today, I was going to tackle a tedious to do list and in order to start it right I needed coffee and some blueberry pancakes. Doesn't it look cute! all officey like. I already got my drug test done- an actual time consumer! All I had to do was pee in a freakin cup and I had to wait a half hour. Growl. Now I'm back and probably gonna make another pot of coffee to fuel me for the rest of the nonsense I have to do. 

Lady A will accompany me. Maybe I should write down the to do list. Sounds reasonable. 

When talking about work, and the annoyance of hospital working getting stuck there and how I can't drive still and how infruiating it all is, my mom placed a bomb in my hands..
"I want you to float around until you're really tied down, like with responsibility and bills and all that..There's one thing I'm afraid of for you Bridget Ann.. and please don't take this the wrong way I mean NOTHING bad by it; ;you don't like to be tied down, and you know who is like that- your father . Not in a bad way, but he takes it to a whole other extreme. when he felt trapped or stuck he would do outrageous things yanno.. and I don't want you to feel that way. Looking back now him being married at 22 wasn't the best thing; what he did was no excuse but he went to the extremes. If you notice hes always on the go.. and has to be doing something. And we were never able to do our own thing, we were always together. I turned 21 had my RN went YAY a paycheck then the next one went to a mortgage. We never had time to be our own people and maybe if we waited I think we woulda stayed together because christ we were together since we were 15. No one ever told us otherwise or stopped us to think is this the best right now You guys are awesome and I don't want to sound like I regret it- I dont at all. I had fun with you guys when you were little. We all are a pain in the ass but I wouldnt have it any other way. Just make sure you're happy and have no regrets thats all. I'd hate to see you stuck."

She's said this to me before. Now I know her dreams were to have a family young, and by no means do I ever think she regrets us. I won't dive into the what ifs. I've heard growing up they didn't PLAN on kids right away.. they were saving to move to Huntingdon Valley and etc..then there was me. Year later then Kevin. Four years and a divorce there was Erin. I wonder. And yanno, I am a Dwyer. That who I am like- my dad; Two years ago I woulda thrown up at the fact. Instead..now..I'm taking it as a challenge to do what he didn't Live the way I want and dream first. It's not selfish.

Lately, mom has been spooning stories of the early years of my parents marriage. I remember being 14 and her saying she should write a book because the shit that happened sounds fake. My mom exaggerates a lot, like a lot soo I always took it as, things were bad but never that bad. Oh. She was right; and I've only heard 2 stories of 7years. I wonder what would happen if I pieced my version and filled in the blanks with hers. I'm not sure if I wanna know..

What I do know, is that my mom was very very very naive, and I've come to realize a little more each day why she was so neurotic and why shes paranoid and skeptical of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I thought I was cursed with being so straight forward and able to see bullshit. Nope. I'm glad because I'm the age my moms hell started, and I know more about life than she did. When she told me this one story I had to interject and say mom, seriously, I knew exactly what she was doing and asking.. all my mom could do was shrug and said I was blind.

&i'm gone.

it's because they were so good I had to eat them all. stop baking.

Apparently, my mini brownies with strawberries were so good my sister had to eat ALL of them.. except for the 5 actual brownies. It's her fault. She can't blame any of us if her clothes dont fit or if she throws a damn clot. Mom is upset/pissed because she's buyin Erin all this stuff and helping her get to where she needs to annnnd she just stuffs her face and thinks it's funny then blames me because I'm baking. Fuck you dude. Find some self control!

Today was an awesome day. Mom asked me twice if I was drunk when I got home.. no MOM I'm in a good mood! I finished Her Fearful Symmetry - LOVE it love it love it. If I don't start reading the classics I'm gonna re-read Time Traveler's and Her fearful symmetry. Audrey Neffinger is awesome. I also only have 10 pages left in The Guersney Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society; yeahh I kinda started and finished it to and from the Aquarium .. which leads me to be giddy about today. John and I went to Baltimore Aquarium. We bought the tickets back before I took boards aka when I had money and we never went. Today was awesome too. A little crowded and people really tested my nerves; but I got to see the dolphin show [with some awesome pictures!] , and jellyfish, and pretty different fishies. I kinda liked the one in SC better.. Sorry Baltimore.

I think one of the best things about today was that I wore a dress; not just any dress though.. my yellow H&M dress I wore for The Pajama Game , senior year of Highschool. I fit better in it now then I did then. weird. Maybe I'll wear the black polka dotted one tomorrow :)   Suchhh a hippie/flowy[not flower] child.

The night ended with some butterscotch krimpet waterice/vanilla icecream gelati from Ritas. Superb.

It was an allaround nice day and I'm glad we got to experience it. This whole whisking around adventurous lifestyle is beautiful. Tomorrow though I have to climb out of the rabbit hole and buckle back to business. I have a to-do list that is mounting and mounting. Maybe if I just stay up and read it'll make it better.

The little black cloud... I have been advised from three medical personel with high regards to avoid sushi until I can have proper elaborate testing done..because the next time it may kill me. OR i could be one in 300million and have the reaction to HepA. DAMNIT. Well, I love sushi, but I love living a lot more.. at least it's not shellfish ingeneral  ---- yet.

Les Mis will drown my woes. It could be worse.

I've been finding the most darling quotes and mediations lately. I'll leave this entry with one.


"Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow." - Norman Vincent Peale

oh. pee. ess

I got invited to drinks last night with Jonathon and Gammet.

I'm soo lame for being 20 and admitting so.

Awkward.

Birthday soon and I can't freakin wait.

when this skin finally sheds

First weekend at Bodhi: Complete. I can't decide where to begin, possibly from the beginning and skip the spaces. Jonathon is great and I'm sad he's gonna be leaving Wednesday to go back to FL. My crutch it gone and that means I'm gonna have to buck up and make the macchiatos, espressos and cappuchinos on the machine. I really need to practice steaming milk. I met Gammet [yep that's her name] this weekend. She's pretty awesome and we hit it off right away. She lives in the city, is from Maryland and we're like the craziest combo.



I met a few more regys and weekenders. Getting comfortable in the shop and feeling the rythmn of the people was like jumping back into a comfy pair of jeans. Everyangle fit and I felt...happy. Weird to come from a job right? My sandwich skills and parfait art art evolving. lol. I have to laugh because, at 830 am satruday [ i checked the time thats how i know] I was walking a napkin outside to someone eating a crossiant. They thanked me. As I turned to go inside I thought, wow, they appreciate it and I won't have to wipe them up later or clean them. Because really, at the hospital as an aide that what I did. Gave napkins, gave water, helped with food, then would have to clean IT up later. It was a nice change of pace. Sunday was the Farmer's Market which gave us a nice rush and some venders brought free fruit. Best effin fruit EVER. I think even if I don't have work me and mom are gonna go. The food is fantastic at this place.



So far the tips from the weekend would get me home-which is good. The commute isnt so terrible. I was exhausted yesterday. I really need to drink more water.. i dehydrate too quickly and my new obsession with the iced peach green tea is not condusive to staying hydrated.



I could goo and gah just over the people I've met so far; David the farmer, my -ithink hes british- friend, dan with the stasche.. Idunno I'm loving it and have reignited my goal and wish to live in an apt in the city after graduation. Probably manyauk.



My mom has been real cool about it too. She intently listens to my stories and such and I feel so nerdy and giddy at the same time. "I'm happy for you" she tells me yesterday "you're finally doing what you want and said you wanted to do..even if it's for a little while" It's true. The duo happiness of doing what I said I would and want to do is liberating. The underlying issue is money. I'll worrya bout that later. Do I know how much I'm making yet? No. &yes I did ask but.. we'll see. Also, Mom went on a spree and re organized the entire kitchen. We have entirely toooooo many pots pants bowls and such so she put the good ones up and I'm taking the rest to school. "&for your apartment whenever you get it. I've been saving random stuff here and there, it's not good stuff but I mean it'll be a good start." YES! WHAT? Secretly my mom can be awesome. I pretty much have a kitchen set haha. Idc if it's not perfect or sterling. Ive used it all since I was allowed to start cooking so I know it's usable. Awesome.



I just had the most unfullfilling but HEALTHY lunch. I need to cut back on my intake. Two dinners and smores are not the best way to stay in shape; especially since I have the race ina few weeks.



I finished True Blood and I need to seee the second season now. I'm slowly catching up but not having HBO is lame. I decided Ill use Johns house hah.



Seriously my skin needs to either A stop shedding or B do it all really really really quickly, i look like a snake. SSSSS

and the preacher cried out and praised your name.

First early Saturday. Thoughts... the novelty will wear off. Positive... if this were a hospital Saturday I would be checking in , in 3minutes as opposed to finishing up my breakfast, brushing my teeth, taking aminute to -yes- blog and scurry out the door. Scurry sounds like sucha  literary word. I'm tpying with no backspaces because its a blurb entry today. blop!

Not a day goes by I don't think about what kinda nursing to do, since I sacrificed a lot for it. VA. It would be nice and like all high intense areas- I couldn't do it forever.

The crabs last night bit up my hands.. not literally of course but they were tore them up but were soo good. John and I hung out with Brit and Sean. I twas fun. Idk why I feel werid hangin around them .. I mean theyre really awesome and Johns best friend. Ding. Thtat's probably it. One of the only.. pprobably only,.. other person who knows more aobut him or as much or differently than I do. Needless to say things were brought up last night. I love John but MY GOD he can be really empty headed sometimes. Some emotions lately are a first since im TRYING to remain + .. Hurt was one of them. Eck. I'm over it. Yes, I am. Shut up.. I am.

True Blood. I'm 8 episodes in the first season and I'm not realllly sure how I feel about it. I'm waiting for it to pick up and get idk .. interesting. I think because there's so much hype, or I'm starting from the begining the good stuff hasnt happened. I remember hearing how the first season / couple episodes suck or pale in comparision to what they are now. Each one has a different "feel" I think the writers and directors were testing a lot out. Maybe I should read the books? Rightnow it's like an accident I can't help but watch. I'm slowly being drawn to wonder what other things can happen that I havnt predicted. haha that sounds bitchy I didnt mean it that way.. Just that.. well Idk. We'll see.

Goal for today.. drink LESS coffee, MORE water, and try not to break the cash register.



Here's to: Little Victories.

Attitude is everything.

If you're not seasoned in the realm of positive thinking, then keeping upbeat can be a day to day challenge. Most people want to be happy. Some even look for happiness in the most random of places, and yes it can be found but that is not where it originates. We hear that happiness and satisfaction comes from within; and more often then not it sounds like a crock of shit. I'm here to say I really think I've knicked the tip (more like I've stubbed my toe ) off the idea and I don't want to lose it.

The thoughts, I want to be happy, why can't I be happy? and the list of a) b) c) d) asnwers flow on and on and on.. but you just need to STOP. and let go. For some reason this came to me. I am happy, and in my great journey of finding happiness and things that will make life this great thing - I'm missing the components that are making it real and fantastic- now. It's tough to really put into words what I mean... so if you understand..awesome. Now I just need to hang on for dear life and keep this going.

What's stopping me from being happy? That's the real question. My answer? Well, it's easier to find negative things so I'll say nothing. Really what is STOPPING you from being happy.

I do work on being positive everyday. I'm not a negative person. I know I'm not, but the dark side is so tempting.

I have my dream part time job. I am refraining from bursting at the seams with details and such because the novelty may wear off. At this point however, the perks outweigh the negatives. In leiu of my new position, I'm gonna learn self defense and buy pepper spray. I've never been this excited gah! I just hope the monetary reward is at least half of what I was doing in the hospital. Money doesnt make you happy, but oh it helps you survive.

There are soo many terrible things happening in the world today.  Journalists disappearing, the internet may be getting restraints and need to pay, my fucking dog almost killed me today.

I like sweet tea, so I'm gonna go read some inspirational blogs, start watching True Blood finally, and read some more in hopes to hang out with Johnny boy later.

They better get used to it, because you're not going anywhere. <3

Now.

Monday Morning. A humid film is settling, enveloping the cool-off from last night. Last night was a particular struggle to get to sleep, but after Shark Week, and the discovery of Indieplex[!] I watched Romeo&Juliet until I could coerce my mind to rest. I was actually excited to wake up early.

My first healthy decision was to have oatmeal with my meds. I usually like oatmeal with some cranberries but the blandness tasted super super bland. With the lack of taste buds, water even has a foreign taste. Oh well! One good decision leads to another. That's a new train I'm trying to ride. CHOO.

The weekend is a phantom to me at the moment. Time as it was happening was moving irregularly like when you're having a good time. Then once the inbetweens caught up with you, it drug on. The Brooks&Dunn Concert was fantastic. The "Last Rodeo". Now I don't really listen to them. But I soon recognized songs and learned to love a few others. Fireworks capped the night and consequently I discovered a new setting on my camera. woop! I can say how much of a sap I am. During "Only in a America" they brought out several members of each of the military branches to salute on stage and displayed a HUGE streamer, confetti, light bergade. There was not one person on their ass. Standing, jumping, cheering, saluting, USA chanting commenced. It was awesome. I have never seen that many people on the lawn for a paid concert. XTU was insane but that was free.

After, John and I went to Brigantine to see some lovely faces and essentially end the summer where we all began- On the beach at 3am, some in, some out of the water. My skin did alright, but my body internally collapsed a couple times. Whatever. I'm not sure how I feel about this school year starting, and I'm not going to waste time on it. Like all beginnings, the potential dancing in the shadows outshines the dreadfulness and the drama. This year is my Last Rodeo, and I intend on making it a wild standing ovation Ride.

Next on my list, Yoga and a run.