wildflower.

ready to start the day.

Goood Morning! Well.. now it's 12 in the afternoon. I decided today, I was going to tackle a tedious to do list and in order to start it right I needed coffee and some blueberry pancakes. Doesn't it look cute! all officey like. I already got my drug test done- an actual time consumer! All I had to do was pee in a freakin cup and I had to wait a half hour. Growl. Now I'm back and probably gonna make another pot of coffee to fuel me for the rest of the nonsense I have to do. 

Lady A will accompany me. Maybe I should write down the to do list. Sounds reasonable. 

When talking about work, and the annoyance of hospital working getting stuck there and how I can't drive still and how infruiating it all is, my mom placed a bomb in my hands..
"I want you to float around until you're really tied down, like with responsibility and bills and all that..There's one thing I'm afraid of for you Bridget Ann.. and please don't take this the wrong way I mean NOTHING bad by it; ;you don't like to be tied down, and you know who is like that- your father . Not in a bad way, but he takes it to a whole other extreme. when he felt trapped or stuck he would do outrageous things yanno.. and I don't want you to feel that way. Looking back now him being married at 22 wasn't the best thing; what he did was no excuse but he went to the extremes. If you notice hes always on the go.. and has to be doing something. And we were never able to do our own thing, we were always together. I turned 21 had my RN went YAY a paycheck then the next one went to a mortgage. We never had time to be our own people and maybe if we waited I think we woulda stayed together because christ we were together since we were 15. No one ever told us otherwise or stopped us to think is this the best right now You guys are awesome and I don't want to sound like I regret it- I dont at all. I had fun with you guys when you were little. We all are a pain in the ass but I wouldnt have it any other way. Just make sure you're happy and have no regrets thats all. I'd hate to see you stuck."

She's said this to me before. Now I know her dreams were to have a family young, and by no means do I ever think she regrets us. I won't dive into the what ifs. I've heard growing up they didn't PLAN on kids right away.. they were saving to move to Huntingdon Valley and etc..then there was me. Year later then Kevin. Four years and a divorce there was Erin. I wonder. And yanno, I am a Dwyer. That who I am like- my dad; Two years ago I woulda thrown up at the fact. Instead..now..I'm taking it as a challenge to do what he didn't Live the way I want and dream first. It's not selfish.

Lately, mom has been spooning stories of the early years of my parents marriage. I remember being 14 and her saying she should write a book because the shit that happened sounds fake. My mom exaggerates a lot, like a lot soo I always took it as, things were bad but never that bad. Oh. She was right; and I've only heard 2 stories of 7years. I wonder what would happen if I pieced my version and filled in the blanks with hers. I'm not sure if I wanna know..

What I do know, is that my mom was very very very naive, and I've come to realize a little more each day why she was so neurotic and why shes paranoid and skeptical of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I thought I was cursed with being so straight forward and able to see bullshit. Nope. I'm glad because I'm the age my moms hell started, and I know more about life than she did. When she told me this one story I had to interject and say mom, seriously, I knew exactly what she was doing and asking.. all my mom could do was shrug and said I was blind.

&i'm gone.