oh spring break. you are covered in snow! that's not very spring break of you, no no. my couch in my living room has not forgotten my shape. ha!
so, here i sit venting to my mom, watching forrest gump, downloaded the entire symphonic recording of les mis, and my dog is farting. i am such a party girl. watch out.
at work i daydream, when im not wiping asses of course. i think of what i want to, wish to, and can do; then i come home and tell my mom about it and shes like no, no, thats dumb, blah. pssh lady, yes i can. this is the nonsense that got me into the perdicament i'm in; talked about how i was depressed and am coming out of it with minimal relapses and she just kinda sat quiet. then asked why i didnt get help;; because mom of the no no no thats dumb attitude. i am getting better and i will do what i want. ... just need to figure it out more.
triathalon, au pair, sky dive. all on my list.
i think im gonna cut my bangs but then will i look like a chub? hmmmm
it's fine. time to go to my castle on a cloud
27 February 2010
22 February 2010
I always forget to pull my zipper up,
but im sure there are worse things.
Like spilling your 3/4 coffee cup into your school bag.
or
saying something, in earshot of the person you are talking about.
or
playing the "pick the stall that stinks the less because you know someone pooped in one" &losing
&having someone walk in, thinking you did the stinking
or all the above happening annnnd just laughing because it's monday.
be who you are&accept others for doing the same. Oh jeeze look at me going all philosophical.
I'm sucha nerd for carrying around this self-meditation book. It contains quotes and internal peace provoking thoughts. Nice.
It's some kinda comfort to have, and know, and reassure yourself things will be ok. Sometimes people aren't always there exactly when you need them and you turn inward; relying on yourself. It's also comforting to know that no matter what, the stars are there. You may not be able to see them, but regardless they are there. Maybe it's naive to compare those we love and want to love to be stars; because that is a HUGE, astronomical (pun!) responsibility.
or maybe we are that lucky. Who knows. Luck shmuck I still smell like coffee. Like pigpen from Peanuts ; the cloud, yeaaaa that's me. :)
&I hope your day goes well. Never forget to look up; even if you don't see them the stars are always there.
Like spilling your 3/4 coffee cup into your school bag.
or
saying something, in earshot of the person you are talking about.
or
playing the "pick the stall that stinks the less because you know someone pooped in one" &losing
&having someone walk in, thinking you did the stinking
or all the above happening annnnd just laughing because it's monday.
be who you are&accept others for doing the same. Oh jeeze look at me going all philosophical.
I'm sucha nerd for carrying around this self-meditation book. It contains quotes and internal peace provoking thoughts. Nice.
It's some kinda comfort to have, and know, and reassure yourself things will be ok. Sometimes people aren't always there exactly when you need them and you turn inward; relying on yourself. It's also comforting to know that no matter what, the stars are there. You may not be able to see them, but regardless they are there. Maybe it's naive to compare those we love and want to love to be stars; because that is a HUGE, astronomical (pun!) responsibility.
or maybe we are that lucky. Who knows. Luck shmuck I still smell like coffee. Like pigpen from Peanuts ; the cloud, yeaaaa that's me. :)
&I hope your day goes well. Never forget to look up; even if you don't see them the stars are always there.
19 February 2010
Sigue andando el camino por toda su vida; Respira.
I dress less than to impress or even a second glance.
I don't wear makeup; unless i feel spontaneous
&these things are ok i suppose.
I feel kinda queasy still; like I could sleep all day. Things I kinda wanna do.
I was rejected already 2/6 applications. I'm waiting for the other four to reject as well. I'm not being pessimistic it's just the way it is right now with Nursing. At least my anxiety is decreasing everytime I click *submit application*
Just kinda blah with the moments today. Nothing spectacular nothing demeaning. Not having a car is starting to irk me again, because I am missing out on ample opportunities.
Waiting is SERIOUSLY the hardest part.
Wednesday will be two years since me and John started dating.
That sentence alone is epic for my psyche.
&&A rough translation. "Keep going, follow the life you are, breathe."
15 February 2010
when i need something real,i take my ass back home; and my home is with you.
wham. bam. boom.
Wham : It's a mundane monday, and I am parked in a perfectly swivley chair in student activities. Pandora has already graced my ears with a live version of I feel Home 2010 (of course by OAR). Tonight we are suppose to be dusted with only 2-4 inches. I guess since we were smothered with 3 feet, we feel like badasses and consider anything less than a foot a dusting. Just wait, a foot will find it's way into the mouths of weather folk - so to speak- when we are paralyzed by a "dusting." Cue the LOL.
Bam: Tomorrow I have massive paperwork due. I HAVE to send out applications for a job because in 90 days, I will graduate. Yes..finally, yet I'm hesitant . After work this weekend I realized even more so, I desire to work with children. But according to the Buddhist thought I should let go of that desire or it will eat me alive.*
Boom: This is the pending explosion of built up stress from bullshit residing in the ass of activities I am involved in. I emphasize activity, insinuating the notion of FUN; that which does not exist. Take a wiff. Smell it? Well it's going to stank even worse because my dreams (subsequently nightmares) are infested with this nonsense & I don't appreciate it subconscious, not at all.
*See next entry.
remember.live.never forget.
Remember: The snow days from last week, offered a chance to remember. They gave me a shovel to dig deep in the mess of memory and unlock the sheer happiness that comes with snow. I was cocaine-addict-wired with the white sparkly stuff. Seriously I cant even verbalize the excitment swimming through my veins. Something about snow always made me get that way. My mom even called to see if I was containing myself. Apparently I was the one who always wanted to stay out, and she would have to drag me in because I was turning blue. Nirvana.
Valentine's day was yesterday, and until last year I was a SAD celebrater. John is my first true Valentine. I always had fun on V-Day though. I never cared and celebrated with the same "snow joy." Well I had a really easy day of work, so I made anti-valentine's for a few of loves. Theres no reason not to celebrate because everyone is loved; regardless by who or what. I love you :)
Side Note: Awkward Exes. Thanks New Jersey. /Side Note.
Live: Yesterday, a kid I went to Highschool with died. It is said he committed suicide. Now I wasn't the best of friends with him, but he was in my homeroom for four years ; and a little background, our homeroom including teacher stayed together all four years. We were a family regardless of who each other was friends with. Not to mention, class of 007 practically knew each other. He was always so nice to me and one of the smartest kids i've ever known. I'm still in shock, because as cliche as it may be it doesn't seem real. These things only happen to other people.
I thought of homeroom, and highschool, and friends from then I was/am scared. Questions of why, and who. I'm shaking now. I will entrust to this page a secret. A very good friend of mine, from homeroom/neighborhood, told me Junior year I was one of the reasons she did not kill herself early in highschool. The day she was going to ( she didnt tell anyone), I gave her a hug, and talked to her [things i normally did] and something changed her mind. She didnt tell me until two years after the fact. She did say was depressed and thought no one cared. It still shocks me. Another friend told me the same thing, he was ready to end it and some how I appeared. These things scare me, because what if they did? My life would not be the same without their influence and ears when I needed help. Why couldnt Bill be saved?
Never forget: you are loved.
Wham : It's a mundane monday, and I am parked in a perfectly swivley chair in student activities. Pandora has already graced my ears with a live version of I feel Home 2010 (of course by OAR). Tonight we are suppose to be dusted with only 2-4 inches. I guess since we were smothered with 3 feet, we feel like badasses and consider anything less than a foot a dusting. Just wait, a foot will find it's way into the mouths of weather folk - so to speak- when we are paralyzed by a "dusting." Cue the LOL.
Bam: Tomorrow I have massive paperwork due. I HAVE to send out applications for a job because in 90 days, I will graduate. Yes..finally, yet I'm hesitant . After work this weekend I realized even more so, I desire to work with children. But according to the Buddhist thought I should let go of that desire or it will eat me alive.*
Boom: This is the pending explosion of built up stress from bullshit residing in the ass of activities I am involved in. I emphasize activity, insinuating the notion of FUN; that which does not exist. Take a wiff. Smell it? Well it's going to stank even worse because my dreams (subsequently nightmares) are infested with this nonsense & I don't appreciate it subconscious, not at all.
*See next entry.
remember.live.never forget.
Remember: The snow days from last week, offered a chance to remember. They gave me a shovel to dig deep in the mess of memory and unlock the sheer happiness that comes with snow. I was cocaine-addict-wired with the white sparkly stuff. Seriously I cant even verbalize the excitment swimming through my veins. Something about snow always made me get that way. My mom even called to see if I was containing myself. Apparently I was the one who always wanted to stay out, and she would have to drag me in because I was turning blue. Nirvana.
Valentine's day was yesterday, and until last year I was a SAD celebrater. John is my first true Valentine. I always had fun on V-Day though. I never cared and celebrated with the same "snow joy." Well I had a really easy day of work, so I made anti-valentine's for a few of loves. Theres no reason not to celebrate because everyone is loved; regardless by who or what. I love you :)
Side Note: Awkward Exes. Thanks New Jersey. /Side Note.
Live: Yesterday, a kid I went to Highschool with died. It is said he committed suicide. Now I wasn't the best of friends with him, but he was in my homeroom for four years ; and a little background, our homeroom including teacher stayed together all four years. We were a family regardless of who each other was friends with. Not to mention, class of 007 practically knew each other. He was always so nice to me and one of the smartest kids i've ever known. I'm still in shock, because as cliche as it may be it doesn't seem real. These things only happen to other people.
I thought of homeroom, and highschool, and friends from then I was/am scared. Questions of why, and who. I'm shaking now. I will entrust to this page a secret. A very good friend of mine, from homeroom/neighborhood, told me Junior year I was one of the reasons she did not kill herself early in highschool. The day she was going to ( she didnt tell anyone), I gave her a hug, and talked to her [things i normally did] and something changed her mind. She didnt tell me until two years after the fact. She did say was depressed and thought no one cared. It still shocks me. Another friend told me the same thing, he was ready to end it and some how I appeared. These things scare me, because what if they did? My life would not be the same without their influence and ears when I needed help. Why couldnt Bill be saved?
Never forget: you are loved.
* Follow the star. (from the previous entry)
What do you Believe? Who do you follow? Are we all the same? Where does your faith lay?
In my Sacred Writings class we are exploring Religions, both Eastern and Western. I could write for days and days about the material because it's so interesting!
During one of the more boring classes I took a religious/spiritual quiz, to see where I fell in the realm of 24most popular/common world religions.
Ironically, I was 22% Roman Catholic. Sorry JC. I was 100% Neo-Pagan (next was a sector of buddhism). Now the born and baptized Catholic in me winced because that sounds bad. I pictured the big guy shaking his finger at me and priests all over the world dying at this thought. But then, I figured what the hell. Let's google. What I gathered, was that I essentailly believe everything has a spirit, there is not one true diety but an ambigous being. I am tolerant of other ideas (very eastern). Also I hav ea karam like belief and satan is not the root of evil, and very modern indivualist view of contemprary issues.
It was cool because maybe in 10years I could follow the traditions of that of Jews.
According to Eastern thought,
In my Sacred Writings class we are exploring Religions, both Eastern and Western. I could write for days and days about the material because it's so interesting!
During one of the more boring classes I took a religious/spiritual quiz, to see where I fell in the realm of 24most popular/common world religions.
Ironically, I was 22% Roman Catholic. Sorry JC. I was 100% Neo-Pagan (next was a sector of buddhism). Now the born and baptized Catholic in me winced because that sounds bad. I pictured the big guy shaking his finger at me and priests all over the world dying at this thought. But then, I figured what the hell. Let's google. What I gathered, was that I essentailly believe everything has a spirit, there is not one true diety but an ambigous being. I am tolerant of other ideas (very eastern). Also I hav ea karam like belief and satan is not the root of evil, and very modern indivualist view of contemprary issues.
It was cool because maybe in 10years I could follow the traditions of that of Jews.
According to Eastern thought,
- Attachment makes you miserable.
- There is no reality.
- Why worry.
To desire something, makes you suffer because ultimately you will never be satisfied. So eleviate that we mus disengage. WESTERN idea defines eerything to death. Like those in India, they are spit on the ground poor but they are happy. Misery essentially doesnt exist because they cant change the way things are, so why desire somthing when you cant have it and it just makes you miserable.
It's MUCH MUCH easier to verablize this circle of thought then to type. All I know is, the more we know the less we treasure and the more miserable we are. Think about it. When you desire somthing, and you know you cant have it it make you miserable. Just cut the roots and let it fly. No stress.
I am in the process of destressing. Eliminating the what ifs, maybes, whys, and treasure the now. Because essentially it doesnt matter.
08 February 2010
what i really meant to say was...
a) you're a pompus, single minded, arrogant person
b) everything will be ohkay, once you get your head out of your ass
c) why would you say that, when you don't reall mean it
d) i don't like her that much
e) i miss you
f)i hate you
g) i love you
Just to name a few.
In other ramblings, snow. More and more to come, and I'm craptastically happy. It's been my excuse for everything. Oh i can't do homework, it's snowing. Oh I can't call you back because there's snow. I can eat my face off to build up warmth for the snow. Shower? Nah it's snowing. I'm gross.
I have a few more links to add to the side of my page. Ones that are digsutingly cute and make you go "AWWWE!" Sometimes you need those moments.
Ranto the point:
I hate people and the bullshit they produce.
STOP making problems for everyone else it's annoying
NOT interesting.
./Rant
Coffee. Thanks. Youre making me sweat and anxious for NO reason.
Cute moments of the day thus far:
Security offering me a ride to class. Thanks for the consideration.. really
A funny joke provided by KatieKane:
b) everything will be ohkay, once you get your head out of your ass
c) why would you say that, when you don't reall mean it
d) i don't like her that much
e) i miss you
f)i hate you
g) i love you
Just to name a few.
In other ramblings, snow. More and more to come, and I'm craptastically happy. It's been my excuse for everything. Oh i can't do homework, it's snowing. Oh I can't call you back because there's snow. I can eat my face off to build up warmth for the snow. Shower? Nah it's snowing. I'm gross.
I have a few more links to add to the side of my page. Ones that are digsutingly cute and make you go "AWWWE!" Sometimes you need those moments.
Ranto the point:
I hate people and the bullshit they produce.
STOP making problems for everyone else it's annoying
NOT interesting.
./Rant
Coffee. Thanks. Youre making me sweat and anxious for NO reason.
Cute moments of the day thus far:
Security offering me a ride to class. Thanks for the consideration.. really
A funny joke provided by KatieKane:
Why can't Cinderella play football?
Because she's always running away from the Ball!
Yep, one of those. The one where you laugh halfheartedly and 5minutes, then 5hours later youre like awww really.
Why do people only need hope/realize/hope for hope when it comes to cancer. The site givesmehope.com has a common theme for a majority of the entries. Cancer. I'm not implying you dont need it or it's not a biproduct of the demon, but why not have it before. Why do you need somthing negative to have hope?
I really have to pee. Thank coffee&water combo. *thumbs up*
I love you, remember that. Even though it may not seem like it, you're essential to my being. Yes, you.
Have Hope&A Great Day
05 February 2010
I just felt the sudden, gut wrenching urge to vomit
&It's not from the alcohol.
Listening to Bruised by Jack's Mannequin and I can relate to every note, beat, breath, pause.
Gah why does balance need to be so...balanced.
The meat of the week was fantastic now is spiraling down as we get ready for the snow.
Now that I'm putting on Glitter in the Air, I feel like that idiot who stares at the phone.
Waiting.
Listening to Bruised by Jack's Mannequin and I can relate to every note, beat, breath, pause.
Gah why does balance need to be so...balanced.
The meat of the week was fantastic now is spiraling down as we get ready for the snow.
Now that I'm putting on Glitter in the Air, I feel like that idiot who stares at the phone.
Waiting.
01 February 2010
like an etch a sketch, i create twist turn and try my best to make it nice, just to shake it away and start again.
I am going to start with a quotation from myself, to a beautiful souled friend of mine circa 2007 :
"But all in all, everything's ohkay. And if you're not, close your eyes and picture somthing you love and breathe or...beat the shit out of your pillow"
Feeling less than adequate. Like a kicked then coddled dog, a freshly brewed cup of coffee left on the table, studied all night confident in stride-only to not make the grade, fresh bag with stale doritos, a party that no one came to.
But I'm told these things are the roots to which I will grow and become better, stronger, wiser. Why does it need to come with a price? Almost done. I know the light is there but it seems to dwindle on days like these.
Thankfully, I believe in Karma and it believes in me. The tough beef jerky day softened because of my friends. Luckily they are the reassurance I need and walls Ican bitch to.
I wanna throw glitter in the air, make the world sparkle and shine to distract from the norm. Twinkling along. Whisking away.
It's tough, when you think you realize what you want and then roadblocks personal and outside are tossed whimsically.. the only way out is through. bumpity bump.
I'm scared.
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