wham. bam. boom.
Wham : It's a mundane monday, and I am parked in a perfectly swivley chair in student activities. Pandora has already graced my ears with a live version of I feel Home 2010 (of course by OAR). Tonight we are suppose to be dusted with only 2-4 inches. I guess since we were smothered with 3 feet, we feel like badasses and consider anything less than a foot a dusting. Just wait, a foot will find it's way into the mouths of weather folk - so to speak- when we are paralyzed by a "dusting." Cue the LOL.
Bam: Tomorrow I have massive paperwork due. I HAVE to send out applications for a job because in 90 days, I will graduate. Yes..finally, yet I'm hesitant . After work this weekend I realized even more so, I desire to work with children. But according to the Buddhist thought I should let go of that desire or it will eat me alive.*
Boom: This is the pending explosion of built up stress from bullshit residing in the ass of activities I am involved in. I emphasize activity, insinuating the notion of FUN; that which does not exist. Take a wiff. Smell it? Well it's going to stank even worse because my dreams (subsequently nightmares) are infested with this nonsense & I don't appreciate it subconscious, not at all.
*See next entry.
remember.live.never forget.
Remember: The snow days from last week, offered a chance to remember. They gave me a shovel to dig deep in the mess of memory and unlock the sheer happiness that comes with snow. I was cocaine-addict-wired with the white sparkly stuff. Seriously I cant even verbalize the excitment swimming through my veins. Something about snow always made me get that way. My mom even called to see if I was containing myself. Apparently I was the one who always wanted to stay out, and she would have to drag me in because I was turning blue. Nirvana.
Valentine's day was yesterday, and until last year I was a SAD celebrater. John is my first true Valentine. I always had fun on V-Day though. I never cared and celebrated with the same "snow joy." Well I had a really easy day of work, so I made anti-valentine's for a few of loves. Theres no reason not to celebrate because everyone is loved; regardless by who or what. I love you :)
Side Note: Awkward Exes. Thanks New Jersey. /Side Note.
Live: Yesterday, a kid I went to Highschool with died. It is said he committed suicide. Now I wasn't the best of friends with him, but he was in my homeroom for four years ; and a little background, our homeroom including teacher stayed together all four years. We were a family regardless of who each other was friends with. Not to mention, class of 007 practically knew each other. He was always so nice to me and one of the smartest kids i've ever known. I'm still in shock, because as cliche as it may be it doesn't seem real. These things only happen to other people.
I thought of homeroom, and highschool, and friends from then I was/am scared. Questions of why, and who. I'm shaking now. I will entrust to this page a secret. A very good friend of mine, from homeroom/neighborhood, told me Junior year I was one of the reasons she did not kill herself early in highschool. The day she was going to ( she didnt tell anyone), I gave her a hug, and talked to her [things i normally did] and something changed her mind. She didnt tell me until two years after the fact. She did say was depressed and thought no one cared. It still shocks me. Another friend told me the same thing, he was ready to end it and some how I appeared. These things scare me, because what if they did? My life would not be the same without their influence and ears when I needed help. Why couldnt Bill be saved?
Never forget: you are loved.
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