at least not yet.

I have always been one to lean towards instant gratification. Now, isn't soon enough and eventually means never. Today I had a lesson in the anticipation of right timing. I have never been more excited for somthing "when the time is right." Carpe Diem, why not now? taking chances - these things all have their place. More often than not, I live by these slogans but today.. today I anticipate the "sometime" and the "at least not yet."

It's not false hope, it's just hope. When your intuition, and gut, and head, and heart are aligned on something - you know it has a high chance of coming true. If it doesn't then it doesn't..but I will continue with what I'm doing because THAT is what needs to happen for me, so when that eventually comes around it has a chance; the chance it deserves.
 

hearts and minds and eyes bewitched

maybe we should bend til we break, then mold into better versions of ourselves.It's a long way back from where you've come, but you'll make it soon.

here's the king of the thing:
I'm 21 years old, really embracing my wings, and flying solo - onward and upward for the first time. severe anaphylaxis related to relationships and anxiety and the mind numbing but not surprising truth I am not ready. I will not force another square into a circle. "What's meant to be will happen in time <3." No damage. No harm, no foul.

Over break I've worked 3 out of the 4 nights I've been home and will reluctantly be moving back to school tomorrow after I wake up from my nap.  not having facebook has really been nice. i had enough of it. once i buy an external harddrive i will get all my music and pictures off fb then possibly be done forever - or just make a new one. a newnew one just for me with maybe a 100 friends haha. new facebook new start?

Im really tired of relying on technology; with the exception of music. I will be reverting back to what I know and love. : Books, Music, Friends, Quotes, not fb and its addicting annoying ways.

easier said than done.

she finally said, I'm ready.

There's a beautiful angel watching over me now, her suffering has ended and she can finally rest. I love you. Now you can finally rest. Keep us safe..


 Currently stuck in a lull where the past 48 hours have been awful and the next 48 may be worse. Started with Saturday morning, at Starbucks, through the night and is probably going to continue well through Wednesday. I don't know where to go, or what to do. I am so lost and confused, that it is physically affecting me. Delayed? Reignited embers of tucked away emotion? Who knows. If just ONE thing could be answered or finished or anything I would feel a little better.

It will get better. It's almost over.
I just need to stay out of my head.

Fuck.

save your strength for things you can change, forgive the ones you can't- ya gotta let it go.

Tuesdays have a way of changing the course. They have become the new drinking release, and that in itself turns the week upside down.

Last night at Tex Mex I had one of the best conversations with Butch (Albert Charles). A legend at the TM. I asked him, Butch - how do you make a relationship work/last? (Being married for 41 years) He's like you really wanna know? And I said yes. He told me: you need to be friends. The sex and love and all that can happen with anyone..you need to be able to trust and laugh and talk to that person and know they are your friend and together you can work things out..because things get tough and you need a friend during those times. Trust. It's huge. You need that. You also need to be in it together. 50%? It doesnt work. You both need to be in 100% or it will never work.

He said other things too.. but.. thank you Butch you gave me hope.

Also came back to school and had an earrings out (just in case) and phones to to side conversation with Anna. Everything (I think..well for the most part that was necessary) we heard, or felt, or did was layed out. I really believe that if we weren't the good of friends we were before the mess, the conversation would not have happened.. I think that was said too. No were not fruity tooty lovey best friends; as mature about this as it is, that is asking alot emotionally on both sides. It was really nice though to realize common lies, and that we were lied to, and people - outside people- have way too much to say...although it's not an excuse for either part .. outside hands had a nice part in the mess..

BUT We're ok. That's all you can ask for. I have no grudges. I truly am moving on. I get people feel "uncomfortable".. but honestly.. I have been real this whole time. Friends? Idk. Aquaintances - yes. Someday? Who knows. Things won't be the same but thankfully we're on the same page. And that's all that matters

Jamie is yelling.. time to eat.

Oh and I love jamie. Just sayin... she's up for saint status.

I'm dancing on the borderline, and I'm waiting for that right time to fall or jump.

Close your eyes and roll your neck. To the left. Down now, chin to chest. To the right. Now back around.  Breathe in a deep cleansing breath and push it out with whatever you have to give.

The colors and down deeps of people continue to show ugliness. I am tired of it. Exhausted. FED UP.  I guess it's a saving grace I work too much, or have homework to hide behind.

Life otherwise is goddamn awesome. Nosaracasm either. I work .. a lot. I study and go to class .. a lot. I try my best to make time for me and to go out-just so I keep some kind of balance. I do my best to be a good friend, and I continue to make ties and build on foundations already established. In the process, I've discovered more about myself, and the concept of time. There's not enough, there's too much, countdowns and alarm clocks. Last night while I was walking.. I stopped and sat down. Just sat right where I stood, in the freezing cold. I wanted to make the world stop and this was the first time I could just freeze. and drop. Of course I had a bench drug over..a little more comfortable but it was nice to just be and let the world go by.

There are only a few instances now where I feel totally at peace and ok. Normally a presence shouldn't do that, but apparently it does. The future looks nice..especially when you're looking at it together.

time to write papers.. my tickets to move on.

Hello Kitty meet Finding Nemo.

Le *Sighhhhh*. Mmm snuggly up at 641am on Monday morning. Normally I would have a cup of coffee in my hand while sitting to watch the sunrise before clinical.. but I'm pretty sure I maxed out this weekend, (At least for a few days) and it's cloudy.  This is the unwind, the relaxing period. This phase is almost like a detox, and it's never really pretty. Just breathing and music is the usual treatment. I have to promise myself, write it in blood and stone never to be so stupid and stretch my body like that again. Limit? Hi how are you. It's about time we finally met.

The Last Five Years - a beautiful reality, and my soundtrack of choice for studying. It has served me well the past two years. The song up top has really precious lines in it, and this is the pivitol point in the show - the middle. Where his story meets hers. It's the hold your breath moment where from here, it unwinds and ends.

I said yes.
Then I said no.
And I didn't die.
I didn't spontaneously combust.

I continue to breathe.

I started to cry
Then I caught the tears.
It was my heart who reminisced.
Shook it away.
Lifted my chin a little higher-
screwed my head on a little tighter.

I continue to walk.

Keeping calm. Walking on, and on.
Rear view mirror is only for reference;
to see how far I've walked
to count the steps and breaths.

In. Out. On and On.

HappyMonday