new ink, shuffled with old.

When you learn to let go, when you learn to just BE.. not talk about it, complain about it, or list it out but sheer simple ACTION - the return is beyond words.

I seem to time my years around my birthday. September will always be a beginning of sorts. The transition. I have high hopes for the fall season year after year and am rarely disappointed.

How much growing up, and growing in can one do in a simple year? I think, once again, I've pushed those boundaries. (That's what they're for anyway right?)

I have never been so at peace with myself. My life. My decisions - ever. So much self reflecting and ass kicking and realization.. I'm thankful.


Namaste.

and in the midst of the waking world, the clouds greet the morning light. bringing clarity to what's been in question.

Holy Moly. December baby. I cannot believe how much has changed in the past few months alone. 2012 will be GLORIOUS in all aspects I suspect. Since graduating, I have been dancing in real world. It's nice and refreshing. Walking away has been one of the scariest but most reviving things I have ever done. I refuse to live in a bubble. I refuse to let others bring me down or make me feel bad because they cannot think for themselves. Working can be a drag and limiting at times..but the opportunities I have been given and will be able to take..I am beyond excited and I can't wait to share it with the people closest to me.

Through tough times, your world sifts..and people and places fall through the cracks. I am so thankful for my family, best friend, and closest friends.. and one I hope to hang on to. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but I know who was/has been/ and will be there for me.

Hows that for growing up.
<3

it feels like withdrawl.
still.
why.

I am so tired of hearing about Jefferson Hospital.

if you feel it, let it happen.

                                                                  "Oh You".

Today on the train I successfully completed 2/3 brain books. First one The Female Brain  was a quirky humourous revealing truth for why the female brain works the way it does, and a peak into how it functions. Questions of why girls are insane; were answered. Likewise, The Male Brain does the same thing for the male brain disection.

Nothing short of what we already know, now that we have grown - girls are emotional. guys crave sex. things don't settle down until the damage is done. some guys have the gene to mate for life, some are sex crazed. genetics is a basis, and we CAN alter our ways.

I think I shall tone it down and re-read my favorite book of all time. Yes Perks. I have not been able to find Mr. Nicholas's Sparks' books..he does have another one coming out soon :) Yay.

I STILL need to see the final instillation of HP. Womp womp. I can escape to the shore this weekend for a brief boiling minute. It's crunchcrunch time for school work. Brain went on overdrive this week and in combination with the heat..well.. I need to sit and do nothing haha.

Fingers still crossed. Dear Universe,
Do your damn thang <3

Adele will be in AC in October. At the Borgata...set back.. $145 for seats.. bummer.

Everytime I  listen to Rumour Has It by Adele...I visualize the "ou." Weird.

i wont crucify the things you do.

Sunday, my day for homework. Only two more Sundays of my undergrad will I sit and do homework. I am famished with excitement. No homework, just work from then on(until the grad school process begins.. I can never sit still). I don't want to jinx some of the opportunities coming my way so I'll continue to bite my tongue and keep my fingers crossed. I cannot knock the experiences I am encountering at the home..but it's slowly chipping away at my spirit.. Fingers crossed, tongue bitten..

The past few weeks have been filled with work school swish spit and repeat. Positively speaking the massive bills are payed and a dent is left in my dwindling bank account. Yesterday  I escaped to the beach for a bit. Tehe ohh the fun shaped burn marks I get. It's fun. Kinda.

 Another sunset on the horizon, and I bid thee farewell.

deactivate.

berp a derp; deactivated my facebook again. time for a little fbhaitus. no big deal.

rules that apply:

1. never say a shift will be easy - because it will go straight to hell.
2. you cannot teach people to care. it takes a special person to care about you and your flaws and think you are the most magnificant being around.
3. cinnabon coffee creamer really is the bees knees.

Happy Freedom Day!! Running on 3hours of sleeeep because my body automatically woke up.

Second chances? Taking a huge risk? It's easier said than done to swallow your fear.

start. stop. resume. pause. again.

If you could take your heart and lay it out flat, follow the veins and arteries, the mends and breaks- would things make more sense? Would you be able to see the right answer?

Probably not.

So with all the hits and misses, we carry on. Optimistically speaking, I have been feeling a static buzz. Like the game hot/cold when searching for somthing.. the buzz is heating up. But still NO answers.


Session I of Summer Session is OVER. YYEAHH BUDDY. Capped it off with an A. Beautiful. Now, the second session is full of work/BS nonesense and projects. I thought it brilliant to take up some nightshifts.. actually..8 in the next 15 days. Oh what's that? you have school 2days a week. You're right. FML. But but buttt, I will be able to save. That is the ultimate goal..since yanno my loans are coming in. Thanks GMC no degree, but a beautiful bill.

Nikki had her pool party last week, and it was really refreshing to see everyone in one place at one time. Drinking pooliside, dancing, swimming, eating, and convincing ourselves we weren't drunk. Of course over the monstrous breakfast of champions via Jeff, we concluded otherwise. Summer is different, when staying in touch because vacations jobs and sunsets get in the way.. what about when the summer is over. Keeping in touch , and staying close with people is work.. but the right people are worth it (I believe).

Odds&ends odds&ends. I'm really not sure what to do. Fall back down the rabbit hole, or push on through to the other side. I hate ultimatums. I hate how I can't avoid anymore. What I do enjoy though, is a brisk summer morning, a warm breakfast, and a mid morning nap. Yeah.

Oh. And I lost my contact.
Cyclopse view? thanks but I'd rather not see anything than half.

auto save? you can never auto save

I had a nice long entry. But it got deleted.

"So Bridg is there actually anything.. happy? or positive? going on. " (After telling my mom about this weekend)

"Yeah, actually.. uh....mm... I'm alive. and actually genuinely happy with how things are. "

Win.

sit back down where you belong, in the corner of my bar with your high heels on.

[Lady Gaga- You and I ]

I cannot oogle enough about Gaga'a new album. I swear theres a song for any mood. Feeling quirky, crazy, dark, sad, sexy, beautiful.. there's an app a song for that. 

If I hit the mute button...the strangest noise will fill the room. Silence. Mom just left to visit Aunt Mary and Cj... " Enjoy the peace and quiet princess." AHH relaxation before work. I can actually read my new book too, when I'm done reading this drug book. Is it weird I sit here and read a couple meds once in a while.. yes? Oh well. Yesterday I got lost in Barnes and Noble. My original intent was to go for some CAM Books and cook books but there's this fascinating thing called the internet and it's free. So new project - make a binder of my creations. Muahah. I need to stay away from books and music. Really. There are things I need like uh clothes, and shoes, and med stuff... but I canntt helppp itt. I see books and blank copy books and little organizer things and kitchen gadgets and go crazy. ALL REASON NOT TO GET A CREDIT CARD right there. Sorry mom.

Sky diving; an-omg-lets-do-it-in-march .. oh wait that never happened - activitiy I still am itching to do. I need someone, anyone to go with me. I mean just to make to have a witness if I go splat. Thats kinda morbid.. haha . . but in all seriousness. That or Ill use the money to go on  a vacation/mini getaway in August when school is officially done.

I'm not rushing time or looking forward to things in my rediculous extremes anymore. Yeah, I need to constantly remind myself to relax and slow down, because I get too excited and wound up about things I'm passionate about...but.. it's nice to slow down and sit and watch a movie or two, and have a drink or two..

*le sigh*

Oh and I bought my favorite book ever again because I swear I lent it out and never got it back.

"When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vaccuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called "Landslide." When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

love like crazy.

I'm sitting here listening to Erin tell me about this sweet sixteen she went to where the girl gave away Coach purses for prizes and Ralph Polo shirts, and all this other crazy stuff. I remember my surprise sweet 16.. Erin Mom and Kelly Milano did it and they got me good. I'm really hard to surprise because of my need to know everythingggg. Party in the backyard with a couple hundred people. I'll take that anyday.

Ugh this room disaster is driving me nuts. I asked my sister to help me out.. team effort because between work and school and the job search from hell; buuut I pretty much am still doing it alone. Now it's time to prime the ceiling and floor.. tehe.. we got a little crazy with the paint which is a teal on one wall and lime green on the other. i LOVEEEEE it.

So, in line with the job hunt, apartment and area shopping is also on the list. *sigh* Staying out of the house as much as possible is a really good plan, let's put it that way. Woo SAAAA it will all get done.

Nostalgia has yet to hurt regarding school - probably because I'm still there. I'm really excited for Nikkis pool party at the end of the month to see everyone. We live close yet far, and life really throws distance in there quite nicely.

With the weekend winding down, things are going really really well otherwise. It's already June.. once 4th of July hits.. Summer is pretty much on the wind down. nononononoooo

I wanna hang on.
I also really want beach days and new shampoo.. stupid stuff making my hair look like a grease monkey.
Want a banana?

a good kiss can send anyone's head into a tizzy.

His advice was that I needed to be single.
Her advice was to focus on me.
His advice was I'm not like that, and he would tell me to stop if it got outta hand.
Her advice was to live it up.
Her advice was it's neither of their business
Her advice was to continue on, he is going to regret it.
His advice was to pray for time to slow down, we don't have enough moments like this.
Her advice was why not?
His advice was just go for it.

do you.be yourself. figure out what you want.not yet.eventually.better as friends. love you. you're cute.drink.

 When the words of others slowed down their marathon of chaos in my head; I let them go. I stopped thinking and began doing. It's already June and I cannot believe it. Session I will be over in two weeks, followed by the beginning of Session II. August 5th is my last day(!) and I want to plan a vacation of sorts.

The weekends have been pretty nice. This is the summer that really, is for me. Probably the best thing that happened was that I watched He's Just Not That Into You. If he wants to see you/talk to you he will. If not, it's his loss.

Work is work, and the job hunt continues.

I'm really happy to live in this moment; because really...rushing days doesnt do anything except waste time and we really do not have a lot of it.

when i see people i was friends with getting engaged, i panic a little.

Biblical Sense

The age old dilemma of career vs. love. Well it may not be that difficult. My dreams were there before and they are here now. My true dreams haven't died and I would love to acheive them. What is the path though? What do I take next?!

With little support over on the fmailial end regarding BIGBIG chancey dreams I feel lonely, but I'm never alone.

solid music.

Just bought Lady Gaga's new album. Orgasmic love
The Script & Florence and the Machine
Now Erin and I will venture to buy paint for the room.
oooyy.

we had time against and miles between but now the sky has cleared and it's blue.

Summertime to focus. But it's hard to focus when the heat makes you hazy, and people can drive ya crazy. Sunblock will protect me from the sun, and my wall will protect me from the rest. Surface fun is what it will be.

It's going to be very, very interesting.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Instead of spreading myself so thin, I keep compact. I keep you close, and your memory closer.

They say the best places to meet a future husband is college, do they mean grad school?

I'm already gone.

Life is a runaway train, you can't wait to jump on.

I'm jumping. I'm going. I'm getting ready to be gone. I've learned who I can trust, and who actually care. I've had my heart broken, and bandaged. I have failed, and succeeded and will continue to be better. I've cut ties, and I've learned to pretend. So what's the but.. there is no butt. I can guarentee when I get my situation together, the but will no longer be.

Yesterday I cleaned out my closet and under my bed; funny how things change and some stay the same. My dreams and quirks are the same since I was 13. "I love how you are crazy energetic and keep everyone positive at 9am, coffee or not." - From A kairos letter. "Bridg, are you drunk already?" " No.. I'm actually happy and this is me when I'm not here"- 5pm Last week

It's a shame people didn't get to know the real me, but if they didn't take the time to notice or care then it's their loss. I will keep intouch with my friends..Facebook is not an excuse.

Despite the adjustment of moving back home.. things are amazing.

I never have to return to the dorms- the black hole of fake bitches and bullshit.

Good.Bye.

the edge

when you have given everything you could muster just have it unnoticed

when the feeling of not enough almost consumes

when your heart is in your throat

and your stomach is contorted into unrecognizable shapes

and you know, you're on the edge

you have had enough

and can confidently say so

that's when you shake it off. and go get what you deserve

something better

something,

anything more.

just, go.